Re: First Love by pinay_miss_azn	Shuushin 207.5.211.177	10-Jul-04/5:54 AM
This AA BB CC is *very* tough to pull off. Same for the night club act ending.
Re: The circle of life by sanity	?-Dave_Mysterious-? 80.42.75.189	10-Jul-04/5:58 AM
What about when the sun explodes?
Re: A Child Once More by Quarton	Shuushin 207.5.211.177	10-Jul-04/5:58 AM
The rhymes kill this thing, Quarton, and its such a universal thought that's been captured in quotes and one-liners that to describe it this way - even though you've got some good word choices - is an uphill battle. More like a brick-wall battle.
Re: Johnny Depp by Rilke4ClosetLesbians	Shuushin 207.5.211.177	10-Jul-04/6:02 AM
Once I got past your name I could almost read the poem objectively. "a picture" can go, along with the hips allusion. The ending seems a little too abrupt - or trite. Interested to see the rewrite.
regarding some deleted poem...	Shuushin 207.5.211.177	10-Jul-04/6:04 AM
image works for me.
Re: Ellis Evans: Rhyfel- War by Sasha	Shuushin 207.5.211.177	10-Jul-04/6:05 AM
what's the Welsh look like?
regarding some deleted poem...	titan69 62.31.23.84	10-Jul-04/12:57 AM
very deep man!
Re: Not Being Me by pinay_miss_azn	titan69 62.31.23.84	10-Jul-04/12:59 AM
just be yourself allthe time!
Re: Friends Forever? by nicole081083	titan69 62.31.23.84	10-Jul-04/1:00 AM
nice pome!
Re: A whispered cry by donmiguel1960	titan69 62.31.23.84	10-Jul-04/1:02 AM
yes good deep poem!
Re: The circle of life by sanity	New Life Drug 69.106.240.249	10-Jul-04/1:15 AM
the liooon kiiing
Re: Dylan's Odyssey. by Don-Quixote	Shuushin 207.5.211.177	10-Jul-04/5:27 AM
couple few interesting words in there. Brainsky Monitory would make a nice ditty I think[sky].
Re: Distance by wilco	Shuushin 207.5.211.177	10-Jul-04/5:29 AM
2 out of three aint bad - good stuff wilco. Either of the last two stanza could be full blown poems with all the trimmings if you wanted.
regarding some deleted poem...	Shuushin 207.5.211.177	10-Jul-04/5:29 AM
I think that works much more clearly, I don't get the "huh?" pause anymore. Nicely done.
Re: The chance is lost inside all of my tears by Prince of Void	Shuushin 207.5.211.177	10-Jul-04/5:33 AM
this expression, "to plant one's fancy" - is this a euphamism for something...? this phrase "passion to dance like butterfly on " sounds very "English as a second language" - intention? This would make 5 or 6 very nice poems (if taken with something lighter in between sittings), but as it is - its a bit tedious, imho. Maybe too effective at evoking defeat.
Re: Ze invsible limerick by DR Limerick	?-Dave_Mysterious-? 80.42.75.189	10-Jul-04/5:39 AM
An excellent example of the zero syllable limerick.
Re: Sugared petrol isn't sweet if your ass is black & blue. by Y2kSlamPoet	Shuushin 207.5.211.177	10-Jul-04/5:39 AM
Its a good story, kept me reading even if I had a shameful egoist moment of "prose on a poetry site... grrrr". But its a sweet one. btw, the fix for sugar in the gas tank is a simple one. Involves simply replacing the fuel system. that last paragraph, in particular, would make a good poem; it has the crux of the thing - that this tough man would become tender at the though of dissapointing his dad.
regarding some deleted poem...	Shuushin 207.5.211.177	10-Jul-04/5:43 AM
not bad, KC - I'd like to see this reworked with a more steady sylable count. It's easy to see where you extend the meter in one line to compensate for an even longer extension in the next. Just a matter of tweaking it here and there. With this rhyme scheme if it were about lost love, or say, kittens - it would be horrendous. But with this lesser of the oft-used relationship themes, you should be able to get away with it.
Re: Love and Time ( sad... ) by pinay_miss_azn	Shuushin 207.5.211.177	10-Jul-04/5:51 AM
yep. That's sad. Two suggestions and it will increase the impact: - shorten it by leagues - use the linebreaks to your advantage, otherwise leave them where a normal speaker would put them Basically, the event itself is the main force - its up to you as a poet to take this event and convey it to the reader with power and impression. Not that you haven't done that to a certain extent - there's room, through reduction, for growth here.
Re: Friends Forever? by nicole081083	?-Dave_Mysterious-? 80.42.75.189	10-Jul-04/5:53 AM
I think this would work better if you reworked it into a limerick.