Re: The Flower by Bhaskaryya	Shuushin 64.223.173.89	19-Jan-05/8:08 PM
what kind of flower? what makes it appealing? why "a few" - loose that. this tendency to put a descriptor to actions that you've already described (or should by other means) is distracting. Like "hasty" and "Heedlessly". and there's something unsettling about the real-time nature of this - the play-by-play, yet you put "yet unaware [that you trampled over the living]" - that retrospective though process pulls the reader right out of the moment. And really, the action speaks for itself, or could better do so. I think you could make this moment with the little twist (pluck) ending a fairly nice piece with just a little attention to the types of things I just said. Not that I have an advanced degree from an accredited poetry school or anything.
Re: Aeuphoria by MacFrantic	Shuushin 64.223.173.89	19-Jan-05/7:57 PM
"things awry" is a little vague, don't you think - maybe a missed opportunity given the sparseness here. I think its better without that last line, really.
Re: black dog by wilco	Shuushin 64.223.173.89	19-Jan-05/7:55 PM
better!
Re: Jeremiah is mud by somemorepoetry	Shuushin 64.223.173.89	19-Jan-05/7:54 PM
nice with the crows remove all the commas, put a semi after "water" "separate" (spelling) interesting visuals and conclusion - consider changing "crows" to "blackbirds" (because you have "scarecrows" later on and the duplication is unflattering).
Re: a comment on black dog by wilco	wilco 24.165.207.93	19-Jan-05/7:53 PM
how's that?
Re: a comment on black dog by wilco	wilco 24.165.207.93	19-Jan-05/7:52 PM
Oops, you're right...edit time..
Re: a comment on Hate the Contestant by Blindpoetry	Blindpoetry 68.11.192.79	19-Jan-05/7:50 PM
That's true. And that is why everyone hops on the band wagon. And I'll just sit here and be the non-conformist. Or is it being conformist to be non-conformist? Hm...
Re: black dog by wilco	Shuushin 64.223.173.89	19-Jan-05/7:50 PM
Pretty not bad - slowly and slow are too close "Remembrance" (spelling). What's it about - murrderrr?
Re: a comment on Hate the Contestant by Blindpoetry	Blindpoetry 68.11.192.79	19-Jan-05/7:40 PM
I'm a fan of his movies. Just not him. Though, he gets kudos for doing Secret Window, one of my favorite novelas by Stephen King. hum
Re: Below Zero by Shardik	wilco 24.165.207.93	19-Jan-05/5:51 PM
Nice, the end did save it.
Re: American Semele (Edit) by Sasha	wilco 24.165.207.93	19-Jan-05/5:49 PM
Not too bad. I thought it said American Shemale thouth....that could be an interesting poem....
Re: Revaluations by Beyond_Dreams	wilco 24.165.207.93	19-Jan-05/5:16 PM
I can't really give you any advice. Take Macs advice.
Re: Hate the Contestant by Blindpoetry	wilco 24.165.207.93	19-Jan-05/5:11 PM
I agree with you on this, although I'm no fan of the Bush White House. I'm not sure what to vote on this, though. Michael Moore is an idiot, as are all the musicians and actors who put their foot in their mouth on a daily basis, but...what are you gonna do...
Re: Cancer by tangerinepuddle	wilco 24.165.207.93	19-Jan-05/5:09 PM
Now, normally I try to give at least constructive criticism if not positive, but I don't see anything that could make this better. Sorry, try again.
Re: A Picture For Danny by Caducus	wilco 24.165.207.93	19-Jan-05/5:07 PM
Now, this is pretty good, I think. I think it would flow better if you omitted the lines "Cathy asked her daddy" and "To which he replied". Making it read something like this: 'Where did Daniel go when he died?' 'Your picture princess' Cathy smiled as her dad fought back tears. I don't mean to rewrite it because it's good as is. It's just an idea...
Re: Sounds by Dovina	wilco 24.165.207.93	19-Jan-05/5:01 PM
While true, I don't very much like this one D. I think that it is just an observation that is drawn out into a needless poem. Sorry, I can't give it good marks. You set the bar too high for this sort of thing.
Re: AIDS in a van by -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.	smellycat541@ 24.52.118.112	19-Jan-05/11:16 AM
DAMN you got enough comments for this one, even though it sucks
Re: Thong Thoo by fatmansinging	smellycat541@ 24.52.118.112	19-Jan-05/11:13 AM
I love how you named it so everyone will read it.
Re: a comment on Hate the Contestant by Blindpoetry	Shuushin 64.222.170.94	18-Jan-05/8:07 PM
thanks - but I am a J. Depp fan (gay or no, but I think no).
Re: a comment on Hate the Contestant by Blindpoetry	Blindpoetry 68.11.192.79	18-Jan-05/7:54 PM
micheal moore shits on the White House. Bands shit on the White House (it seems to be the popular music thing for fake punk bands, now.) It's the wagon we all jump on just to fit in. Ot to just follow our favorite bands or actors. (one is especially Johnny Depp and his gayness)