-=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.
replying on A Runner's Fistful of Haiku by HaikuMofo
26 Oct 2004, 12:03 PM
You must be on Ramamamadan, then. Don't bother. Muslim women don't have souls. That's definitely, definitely true.
I am out of shape. Lack of groceries has suppressed my masochism. Somewhat.
Intensely lewd, particularly the bit where you scoff your grandmother's remains.
i would suggest "new" in place of "anew"
also, "fall" in place of "falter"
a 10 anyway
a wicked and inspired jug solo
comment by Richard E. Watley
just beautiful
You make some great points Ed. It was inspired by some women I knew and I needed to make it metaphoric so as not to insult them. How many women and even men do we see fighting so desperately to maintain their beauty in vain.
It is one of my more sappier pieces. You guys give great critiques that an artist can truely learn from.
a mugged runner?
Well it’s like this: The bowl was yucky til this customer decided to lift the lid. The chain had slipped off its handle as chains do, and he slipped it back on. Then he found a plunger and took care of the yuck. I could have done that, but didn’t want to soil my hands. What better definition of a good man can you find?
Oh I see, you want me to replace my gross error, "My creatures will discover all that I’ve made quite pleasing and right" with your sublime, "My creatures will find all the things that I've made quite pleasing and right".
Comment: By Frederick Rigglesmeyer Friffelschmidt.
Yes, a womans bulging triceps are not something one should leave behind.
SHUT YOUR FACE
horus please.
Great storytelling. Has the chain been fixed yet?
I meant flinch. But now I'm considering using felch, which I find works just as well.
Sorry. But this poem exists only because I thought it would be fun to write a poem using the word blunderbuss.
shame you could not work "tars" into this somehow.
i think that the home/beauty line is the best in the poem. it makes perfect sense to me...that where beauty has made residence, it will never stay, but always move on to find new residence. Beauty does not construct, but rather make "something" her home. I think it works.
whether this is true or not, I cannot exactly say, nor do I particularly care.
I like the theme, and I think the language is well used in some parts, but, overall, I think you need to pull in the reins a little, as much of this feels over the top, but perhaps the "floweriness" of the language is apt after all. what the fuck would i know?
anyway, i think the ending is good, if a bit overplayed and somewhat cliche.
unspeakably daft.
this is excellent. In stanza 8 perhaps you mean flinch when you write flich? or is flich a word I have never heard?