richa
on Wednesday's Breaking by poetandknowit
20 Jul 2004, 4:31 AM
This poem would be ten times better if something more imaginitive had happened causing you to be in her arms.
A fine sentiment expressed in the most honest fashion. I think it may be improved by changing "or do street drugs" to "or get wacked out on spaz biscuits".
This is very close to my poem "projective verse". However you have made it your own by excluding the word quim.
Like rhyming couplets? I thought paring was some kind of culinary term.
the poem is about lifes trials. not a funeral, just the daily struggel.
I think so, I mean, I like it. Sometimes the problem is that I feel to much. I write to try and cope.
poor guy he died
I liked the wordplay but it did seem as though I was sitting beneath a loom while the lion weaved his tongue into a throw rug.
had to kill it.
You can be so linguistic sometimes that it's hard to decipher. Yeah, some transitional ditties there might help. Thanks.
I was thinking of crediting doug with such myself. But on balance I think it is just the vagueness of his language.
Use prepositions or punctuation in the first verse, or this:-
'ee Bombling breet par facien eeepeee'
becomes this:-
'brazque gumprij ist wozzeling kumwa raosicon nebluspi
mit cucheen ij bloot.'
It was probably the pig. Do porcupines make noises when you sit on them? You can be so poetic sometimes that it's hard to decipher. If you are asking why I find the poem intriguing, it is because the two sides of this issue claim the same advantages and accuse each other of the same defficiencies using different jargons.
'The pig and the porcupine
I sat on it
it made a noise.'
Is this intriguing because you are unable to ascertain what I sat upon?
Verse 1 needs a look at the wording, "possession"
The rest is pretty good.
Dear Dovina:
Thanks for your suggestions.
Doug
Verse 2 is both puzzling and intriguing because either statement could apply to either of the positions in Verse 1 depending on how you look at it.
Verse 3 "as human beings"
Verse 4 states your position on the matter, and seems best left out.
You might want to classify this as Prose Poetry.
It's a funeral in verses 1 and 2. But when daughters laugh, I wonder. Verse 4 doesn't seem to follow.
i liked the 4th stanza...
well i definitely know how this feels...
No.