QuirkyWonder
replying on Randomness by QuirkyWonder
21 Jun 2004, 7:42 PM
Yes. Can you really say that everyone makes sense to you? That you know the reason behind there every action?
I've read his Serendipity
Preaching is not poetry.
S3 lines 1-5(maybe 6)are good. The rest is not. You're writing doesn't follow any kind of comprehensible path. Except those 6 lines I mentioned.
Do people really seem immune to you?
Check the typos. If the music rocks hard enough this could be pretty good. As a poem it's too simplistic for my tastes, but with it's got loads of commitment.
I preferred to use *bearing* In the context of *offering*
As a footnote, the suffix *-ias* means a speech, or figure of speech, designed to move the passion.
I seem to be late and lone in my opinion, but this was effectively captivating.
heheh - this is good.
Btw, I think you would enjoy the book called "Baudolino" by Umberto Eco. I'm 2/3rds through it; very good. He has a couple other non-fiction things on semiotics that would be right up your alley.
oh, okay. Makes sense - I was just going for the sound of it - but really, it's fine as is.
definitely not the world's worst line B:
"Now she's
getting jealous cuz Im sleeping in
your shirt."
There is something universally appealing about a woman in a man's shirt.
fourth stanza rocks - I think it should be the last one (kill the last stanza).
Shuushin
on On the Discovery of Simple Sam and A Russian Catastrophe by MacFrantic
21 Jun 2004, 6:19 PM
Quite nice, both.
That last line...
I was thinking that if you want to keep it, maybe saying a specific kind of bug would add quite a bit. Like "a stinkbug";
"no matter, it was only a stinkbug"
Daggar's a typo. Damn votes will erase if I change it tho.
Using spake for spoke would be completely inappropriate since this poem is somewhat more colloquial than that (at least it's meant to be.) RosalÃa de Castro was the first poet in centuries to write in her native Galician, (which is not unlike medieval portuguese) rather than Spanish. Thus her poetry, like Sappho's, is filled with colloquialisms mixed in with slight (and I do mean slight) archaisms. So spake for spoke would be completely out of place in a translation of DeCastro
Mac-Daddy-Fan, nice job.
I wouldn't mind seeing a version that is less of a series of snapshots, less list-like.
should "bearing" be "baring" as in exposing themselves?
So, although I'd prefer a bit more flow, these ideas leave some solid impressions anyway.
nice to see "ringforts"
what you think about using "spake" instead of "spoke"?
I think "daggar" s/b "dagger" unless you a punning a character (it could happen!)
nice one.