god'swife
on driven by ThePariahDog
9 Jun 2004, 5:24 PM
That's it, I'm gonna kill somebody.
What are you trying, in your own ridiculously long-winded and formless way, to say here? This is clearly about absolutely nothing! What, you went for a drive on a really hot day?
Touch and go objectives????
Devil driven influences inable an inner calmness??
How?
Surrounding air permissisibly drags you? What, do you live at 40 ATMS?
This is hopeless.
Well I think it's incredible how, in the middle of talking about something big and important, you can zero in on an image like a picture of a bird. That really brings it home for me!
Forget 'canvas' all together. 'These small Picasso's' emcompasses all those painterly analogies. Hold back a little. That's a first rate poetic sentence, let it stand on it's own. Sometimes the peaches are so ripe and perfect, they're only ruined by the vanilla ice cream. that line's the best you can hope for, the best any of us can hope for, let the audience remain there a moment and contemplate all the possible images that conjures up.
Try
A Monochrome
for the last line and drop slowly.
do me a favor, just as an exercise, try writing your next few poems with the fewest words possible. Just as an exercise. Don't get me wrong, relative to most of the poetasters on this site, you're far from protracted, but because they are beyond any hope I'm giving my small bit of advice to thosse few who have sense enough to understand it.
"Anything below a 3 without so much as scant resonance of a rationale is total bullshit" is total bullshit. -2.999999-
Re-heated Macaroni
Jesus Creased
Having taken time to untangle all the adjectives she was probably pissed off to realise that the poeme was complete gibberish.
This haiku seems to suggest in happier times you could rhyme blue eyes with sea.
It is not enough to call the wind arrogant, its actions should portray such, then there would be no need for the word.
Same goes for 'fragrant' (what smell is fragrant), 'desperate' 'hopeless' and 'exuding wry misery'.
I am growing fond of the polite 'english' voice in poetry. Fallen portico/ ironed silk give the poem a charm certainly.
If god'swife is so keen on that little *2*, then I suggest that a reason be provided.
Anything below a 3 without so much as scant resonance of a rationale is total bullshit*
I'm never bored just mystified at why you think i'm bored.
I know this is better than 3 you voted and feel chuffed on this occasion I got more than 'ugh'
Naked and Bloody. Really? Sucks to be You, then, I spose.
Good gravy.
Humans die all sorts of ways, so be more specific. Name someone who died that way. Also aren't you describing what happens after death?
Kill the 'on unforgiving...' line. the line before it is so much more interesting and the audience already knows windshields are transparent. "Jealous" how is it jealous? I don't know what the next 2 lines stand for, but it would sound and look better without the 'a' before fluid. What do those lines mean? It isn't clear.