Arr got you zodiac whats with all the yorkshire bashing. you dont come from the best of places youself now do you? -2

Kill the first line in all 3 stanzas. Also do you have to mention the bed? Can't it just be 'lain next to you'? oh forget it. Are you pulling my leg here?

You know there are some fantastic images here, but then you drown them in muck. That first stanza is romantic and quite musical intil thee last line. reminds me of Garcia Lorca and than at the end it's like eating the last peanut in the Cracker Jacks and it tastes all rotten and soggy. Do you take writing poetry seriously, or are here because your bored? Her vanilla gown was lifted. I like that line. it has a nice assonance.

the whole poem screams beat... it makes me wonder if your poetry is beat-influenced? anyway it just reminded me of that style and i think you should keep going with that!

I hate it when I miss really good stuff like this.

When is the book supposed to hit the shelves?

Black isn't a color, it's the lack of color. good words though.

first read: swap -noticing and ignoring- then- with wry misery (he's already exuding) clambered? I think you mean -clammy? doomed (seams)? Um that's enough for now. I see serious problems but I also saw the whole picture, I do like it. Particularly, arrogant wind and gray expressions sauntering. Work this one, it's worth it.

welcome back, bub.

Are you mocking me?! Because I KNOW how to tie my shoes, mistuh man. 8 for the rant but, shouldn't this be on psyche-ranker or maybe Philo-ranker? I dunno.