some deleted user
replying on The follies befalling an unfledged street poet. by SupremeDreamer
8 May 2004, 10:27 AM
Why didn't you give it a nine?
-=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.
on Vodka kisses & the final sigh, v.II (bloody vodka remix) by SupremeDreamer
8 May 2004, 10:24 AM
Wipe that stupid smile off your bum-like face, hand your badge back to the commissioner, get the hell out of my office, and for Christ's sake put some clothes on :( -10-
-=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.
replying on The follies befalling an unfledged street poet. by SupremeDreamer
8 May 2004, 10:15 AM
WHY DIDN'T YOU GIVE THIS POEME A -10- HMM?
some deleted user
on The follies befalling an unfledged street poet. by SupremeDreamer
8 May 2004, 10:08 AM
I relate to most of these mistakes. A fairly close description of my own process. Let us not be poets left unchangable. Good.
Nice sentiment. I'd leave out the sugar and spice. And this kind of close feely poem is better for a person than it is for an audiance. If I were the person, I'd give a 10.
This sounds melodic, but when I try to understand it, I come up with very little. I think it needs more than melody.
I didn't even notice that, thanks.
SupremeDreamer
replying on The follies befalling an unfledged street poet. by SupremeDreamer
8 May 2004, 6:08 AM
But you give me a ten? Odd.
Well crafted, and was a pleasure to read. Blessed with ten.
Change:
"only how to steal break my heart."
To:
"only how to steal & break my heart."
Other than that, its fuckin groovy and sparks my fire-
Blessed with ten. Good work.
-Nod-, Tell it like it is, ole pal.
American military control in Iraq is tyrannical, Uncle Sam puppeteers the oil from Baghdad, sandniggers revolt with jihad-- oh, don't forget, now I pay two dollars & eighty cents a gallon, price soon to rise up to three bucks a gal.
It's fuckin bullshit, this regimented, puritan cultured country of rednecks with blind & senseless faith; scattered groups of rebels, 'n grotesque individuals socially scorned by the majority of american folk-- a.k.a: Propoganda slaves.
Blessed with ten.
Yep, it's savvy kewl & gets m'juices sizzlin. Blessed with nine.
Your poem is young and fledgling, but you show some promise- just expand your topic/style/view of life around you when wielding the pen. Blessed with seven.
I graduate from Poetry School with my Master's in Poetry today.
This is a general announcement and has nothing to do with this poem, which I find is almost unreadable and totally, unsurprisingly about SupremeDreamer. -10-
Thanks for your comment- it's appreciated, & I'm honored that the above villanelle of mine is one of your favs. It's my latest written success; I was coasting slightly below average after posting my ode "I Married an Infectious Woman (My Love, Futility)".
Thank you, I'm very proud and pleased with this piece myself. I've been trying to hone my skills in crafting vilanelles for some time now.
I've gotten pretty good with form, rhyme-scheme & structure;
now I'm working on improving my use of meter, or in reality, my nonexistent use of meter-- I didn't really give much attention to meter in my earlier works, so it's time I integrated that into my style & writing technique.
I have decided to incorporate your suggestions into version II of the above villanelle-- I'm currently forging it in my tropical, subterranean poetry cupola; it'll be posted soon.
SupremeDreamer
replying on The follies befalling an unfledged street poet. by SupremeDreamer
8 May 2004, 4:40 AM
"life is basically different layers or levels of bullshit; you choose which layer/level of bullshit you like the most, & that is your bullshit- the bullshit you're comfortable representing & pitching to everyone around you." --The movie "Hero".
That said, thanks for the ten.
Yes.
"if the hills sing and the valleys mourn" seems to me to have no meaning whatsoever. What do you think?