some deleted user
on The Dead Sea by philn
24 Apr 2004, 5:23 PM
Second verse is great!
I don't mean any offense - really. But you have to be aware of that sort of thing. I'm pretty sure claiming ignorance doesn't go over too well with critics these days.
I find it fascinating that you posted this piece "She Searches for Love" almost simultaneously with "He Hunts for Meaning." The parallels in the titles, if nothing else, beg someone to do a good feminist deconstruction on them, the result of which will inevitably be that your Woman-Searching-for-Love is daft, weak, and better off carried on her quest for love, which she believes is truth - while your Man-Hunting (nb-Hunting is something substantially different from searching) for Meaning (not Love) is self-sufficient, undaunted by hardship, and worshipped by women, especially "his friend," the object-not-subject of his search, who is mainly "confused" by his grandoise pronouncements, none of which are particularly deep. Ergo, men=great, women=suck. Which is fine if you're only trying to describe one particularly weak woman who you happen to know, but personally I wouldn't let you take my daughter anywhere in that tint-windowed van of yours.
Sure, give it a shot. (you don't have to count, but you get the idea)
Make it so you have to pick and choose the "right" word, the most appropriate image. You should find yourself questioning yourself when you write down little words like a preposition, or an article.(btw, that was just an example - did I need the word "down"?)
so you want me to rewrite this, with those restrictions?
not harsh, realistic...was high when i wrote this, so it just went on...thanks for all your comments...peace
mike
Right off I don't like "passes by" - is there some other way to let me know you like being around this person?
Some way to express that frustration when they bail so I can feel it instead of acknowledging it?
Maybe it being a lyric gets you off the hook from being poetic? I hope not.
This is a good story, fairly well told, a little choppy for a poem, lines too long, still worth the effort.
"Ducking outside to hide from their antics"
Hey Mike - Give this a shot as a poem. I don't mean that in a sarcastic way.
Allow yourself half the lines, and a third the words.
So much text to wade through; lots of telling, no line breaks...
Let the words do some of the work (give us both a break).
I'm afraid I must too sound harsh.
A preamble.
To what?
Some line breaks might help this.
First two stanzas quite lovely and precisely made.
The last does not work for me. I really hope you are able to bring it full circle somehow.
i really like this one. solid topic and powerful portrayal of your feelings. once again, powerful structure to set the rhythm and speed of the poem...keep it up...peace
mike
powerful and full of emotion. solid structure that gives me a strong sense of breaks and the intended rhythm...peace
mike
ps: if you didnt know, im the dude who IMed you earlier
yes, i know what you mean...it is a bit wordy...this topic would serve me better in a story, rather than a poem...thanks for the comment...peace
mike
Something inconsistant about "Leaving temporary memories, but serving permanent scars"
A good story, but seems too wordy.
um, somebody gave this a 10 because that is where the spinning wheel of his or her mouse landed. Do you not know that all voting on this site is arbitrary??? Well, maybe not all, because apparently there are some not with the program. here's my spin....
Why not lose the ; after "truth" and change "Then" to "Than" Still a bit clumbsy. Other than that, it's very nice.