nentwined
replying on ritual of now intensified by nentwined
8 Apr 2004, 5:26 PM
the first line long is the long and slow press of the plunger.
hello :)
the first line seems cliche out loud. but perhaps not--it requires the right intonation. Perhaps I have it, now.
I do not like slams.
But perhaps a 'reading'. Do non-slam readings happen in places, in a periodic fashion? I do like reading my poems.
Perhaps I should record them--I did that a long time ago.
Oh yes, I hate my voice.
Right. :)
nice to see you.
linebreak after "slowly," right?
This would be awesome read outloud.
OW MY EYE!
I like several of your suggestions.
L1-this is hard. I'll have to think about it. the repetition is kind of off, but I think the first word feels like 'press' more than anything else I can think of, and I'm worried with the second that someone won't get what a french press is.
L4-yeah, I agonized over that too. definitely not just 'act', but I have a weakness for parentheticals. That's probably something to not be encouraged. :)
L7-and another point of contention. brown is entirely redundant, but the flow feels good to me. so I'll think about it.
L9-held the cup up doesn't fit grammatically, but I "might could" do something with that, still. That line was actually an inserted after-thought in the first draft.
L10-_definitely_ has to be 'warmth tingles', for me.
er.
so, well, I like the ones I'm going to have to think on, and I appreciate all of them. :) Thank you. :)
I really like this one. A couple of comments:
- L1 - the repetition of "press" kind of sticks for me...maybe 'sink the plunger' or some such?
- L2 & 3 are awesome together
- L4 maybe strike 'act'? I like it with just 'ritual'
- L6 'mystical hypodermic' - while I generally dislike the word 'mystical' i like it here. feels very...coffee house to me.
- L7 strike "brown"? 'Russet on its own is great
- L8 'tasting themselves' awesome!
- L9 what about 'held the cup up'...to my face feels obvious to me
- L10 'warmth tingles' what about 'warm tingles'?
All in all I love it! Don't mind the comments above, don't think you need to worry about the opinion of cricket girl...*bleh*! =o)
cute, but not very interesting.
hilarious. some of them are definitely weaker than others (#2, #4, #5). But, you know, just hilarious. :)
er. divits -> divots. sorry. :)
divits -> divets
through out -> throughout
I like the idea, less so the execution. With four lines, the second is awkward and the fourth is just a tongue twister.
boring?
Upon first reading your title, I thought, hmm, an improbable adjective-noun pairing... what's he doing, ripping off Shuushin? Then I realized - no!!! It's a polar opposite to my own post, 'Hologram Glasses'! Yen and Yang!!! Then the force of the ejaculation that ensued from this realization flipped me backwards in my swivel office chair laying me up with a concussion so severe that for a splendorous minute upon awakening I thought I was wcrystal lane swiftw. Everything was very beautiful and pink translucent plastic and I met Jesus and we danced all night to 'Lady In Red' and in the morning he married me with a piece of his Holy Foreskin. Then I awoke in a puddle of pinkish jizz with an unholy hangover and a swollen ringpiece that spoke of terrible buggering. The point being, clench should be clinch, I believe, and great poem.
Hmm. On that note, maybe I really should attempt to integrate a spellcheck on the preview pane. Doh re: manna. I knew that, really. But. La. :)
third coffee poem today!? It's my first coffee in a week. :) And I think my second poem about hot liquids sold over the counter. But. Cool beans, and thanks. :)
mmm, donuts =)
Welcome back! You should get a ten for just posting again, but manna has two n's and this is my third poemranker poem about coffee today.
Even if I wanted to give you a ten, which, I often do... I have a reputation to uphold. Though it's upside down and smells like a carp that's been hanging from a tree for four days, it's all I have left, that, and a box full of chocolate donuts that some time over the last three years turned powder on me.
I shared this comment with all my co-workers. I think you made my day, even with the 7. :)