zodiac
replying on The Hell With Growing Up by wilco
31 Mar 2004, 4:35 PM
I wish I had a good example of what I'm talking about posted here, but I started deleting all my poems about teenage hedonism around the time I decided not to give a fuck anymore. How about this one: http://www.poemranker.com/poem-details.j
That's funny. I was just about to reply with amazement that you gave a serious reccomendation, devoid of any (or, at least minimal)smart-assed comments. That struck me as unusual. Appreciated anyway.
I should add that I'm not inclined to serious advice tonight.
A flourescent cabbage-toasting beard-damper on cabbage toast.
If I were inclined to give you any serious advice, it would probably be that you rewrite this entire poem to describe an actual event which took place during your 'hedonistic' youth (or, alternately, a bit of hedonism you've engaged in lately), trying as you write to avoid stating or implying ANY of the judgments/moralizations which you've included in this version. People will get it anyway. I would not condemn you for ending the poem if you absolutely had to with an image of your older, wiser self looking back on the aforementioned event and sighing wistfully. As hideous as that is, there are many worse things in the world to condemn, like Hummers, Andrew Sullivan, and other poetry sites besides poemranker. I hope this has been some help. Tchuss.
No, what?
No.
Ok.....
1) You don't believe what? That I've driven too fast? That I've used drugs? That I've had sex with strangers? Who didn't do these things when they were in high school and college?
2) I'm not saying that I've found Jesus and I'm not condemning these things. In fact, I'm saying that I wish that I could still do them.
For one thing, I don't believe you for a second. "Driving too fast, using copious amounts of drugs / and having promiscuous sex with strangers" is cribbed from a Reader's Digest 'Heroes for Today' bio about some reformed hobo. It reminds me of this Presbyterian church I went to as an undergrad where the minister was always saying things like "Before I found Jesus, I was heading down the 'Highway to Hell' [his air-quotes]. I cussed, I looked at dirty pictures, I had friends who were doing the drugs." Yeah. You're that guy.
Since joining poemranker, I've often noticed a tendency among posters criticized for writing cliches to make all their following posts entirely out of polysyllables, and I was wondering if you could explain to me why that is. All you've got now is a thesaurus-dependent gabble that would be absolutely hilarious read aloud, in addition to being (admittedly) about nothing or nothing new. The best line of this is made of common one- and two-syllable words. I bet you won't guess which one I mean.
This is almost exactly the same poem as your last one, only not as good. I'd understand if you were trying to perfect the form, but then I'd be obliged to tell you you're not doing it very well.
zodiac
replying on I Married an Infectious Woman (My Love, 'Futility') by SupremeDreamer
31 Mar 2004, 3:14 PM
Do you think poemranker has changed since you joined, or has it always been a soul-shriveling vortex of clabbered man-milk?
What does it matter?
how old are you that you have wasted away to such a tremendous degree?
too wordy for my tastes.
Some of your references seem a little to cliche. The wind always whispers and caresses. Everyone's spirit has a beast. Try some different language. Especially the first line. It was a bit of a turn off. The end was much better.
I agree. It needs more work, but good start
-=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.
replying on I Married an Infectious Woman (My Love, 'Futility') by SupremeDreamer
31 Mar 2004, 1:18 PM
Call it the porridge-mumbling blabber of an old man, but it's not arousing posting on poemeranker anymore. It stopped being arousing long before 'Child of my Buttocks'. I fear I have become a dried-up hoboglove bulging with patriotic mucus and will never be able to stop looking and posting though.
The beginning being more padded and the middle/ending more minimalistic makes this a bit of an odd read.. plus its a little vague how the stanzas relate to each other. Seems like you wanted to embellish the first stanza, then along the way got lazy. Its promising though, I think you could build this into ace material.. then again, thats just my opinion.
A seven for now.
Yes, isolation can cause a poets pen to mold and turn his beard crusty, and his verse limp. Thats why a vacation from writing can relieve creative impotence.. heh. [Poeta! A new over-the-counter writing enhancer promises hard long verse long after the ink in your pen has dried up!]
A novel is a lot harder to accomplish, since it requires extensive writing, a solid build-up, plot, etc.. Its a huge step from prose,poetry, or short-stories. Not to belittle you, but I think you decided to leap across a canyon that your furry feet don't have the muscle needed to make it across. (Atleast not with the first or second jump.)
But eventually you'll pull through.. novel creation takes time, so benefit from a break. :)
I'll be looking forward to your return you little fuzzy beast.