Tiffany
on Dreams by Tiffany
23 Mar 2004, 2:58 PM
i wrote this because sometimes i feel like i get lost im my dreams, both good and bad.
I sorry, but may you clarify the meaning of your message?
I'm 25 now and it is hard to revise (at least for me) mainly because I have trouble going back to the place where I was when I wrote it and everything that I come up with to change it sounds too forced.
I like this one.
Yes, I wrote this one about 2 years ago during the summer. It's hard to touch up the older ones because I feel like I need to have the same feeling and be in the same place as when I wrote it. And, you're right, I do often tend to screw up the endings. ;)
Just to clear things up, the first verse is not a quote, I would have credited a quote. The marks were just to signify an outside voice.
For me, no. Less blunt than a packaged 'meaning', anyway (and I meant lungs, not bodies, anyway.) Personally, I'm leaning toward another, better lake-image for the end. Something to tie it up with. But I'd like to see what anyone else has to say on the matter.
Too much focus on rhyme, not enough on content.
I'm sorry, Fear of Garbage. Utterly seriously. That's not what I meant. And I was fucking around to begin with. I meant what I said, though: I respect and admire people who write without rhyme, though I don't know how to do it myself. You should know I think you do it very, very well.
You don't think ending with bodies would be too blunt?
zodiac
replying on Sitting in a damp refrigerator box, wondering (ODE) Basque by zodiac
23 Mar 2004, 11:15 AM
No. Ode. In Basque. The About page lists only one glosa, though. And it's not a real glosa either.
some deleted user
on Sitting in a damp refrigerator box, wondering (ODE) Basque by zodiac
23 Mar 2004, 11:13 AM
Satire aside, I had to laugh.
Cocaine = cocaine; liquer = liquor; the punctuation between wrists, jewels, and I live is a little shaky; 'I smell of a lake' made me laugh - how about 'I smell like a lake' (or even better, 'I smell like lake _____' - water, maybe.)
'The secrets; they keep within them
Their bodies,' is also poorly punctuated. I think it should end with bodies. Or a better lake image than your closing one.
Shuushin
on Sitting in a damp refrigerator box, wondering (ODE) Basque by zodiac
23 Mar 2004, 11:04 AM
glosa?
alright first of all before I get angry I have to say I respect you very much as a writer, and as someone obviously much younger, I even look up to some of it.
But there is absolutely no way that I could ever let myself feel like a "flaming bullshit poeser," just becasue I don't write many things that rhyme. There's just no ground for it.
I presume the quote is something from Jean-Paul Sartre, but who cares? Wisdom will, in fact, encroach on belief, if you let it. Go ahead and build a wall as high as a statue to keep the stone from rolling, and keep your hand from your enemy's. Great!
ok now be honest. you wrote this awhile ago too, didn't you? good, but not as good as the first poem i read of yours.
i really thought the last sanza was good, the 1st three lines anyway, but the last line just kind of faded out. i think....maybe you need to work on your endings. something more...grabbing or poignant.
When you were 20? That's no excuse. How old are you now? Don't you revise old things before you post them again? I wouldn't trust my poems from a year or two ago.
Besides the previous comments, the only thing wrong with this is the title.