Shuushin
on Dissenting voice by richa
23 Mar 2004, 8:09 AM
"Kivi veereb"?
I like this one quite a bit - do we need the last line?
I meant the rest of that comment. Just found it gushy and earnest for p/r.
Great! Whose is the quoted voice? I can't find these lines anywhere (but guess Brautigan, Hemingway, or your own - not that it matters, but I'm curious.) So - your style always amazes me.
The verses don't seem to follow on, and I agree with hypatia on the great small thing.
A few nice descriptions in there.
Like the flow and sounds.
Too many abstracts stated without showing the reader what you mean, jealousy, bitterness, envy, grief etc.
Also 'in jealous shoes' sounds very forced.
Like the crazed ramblings of a schizophrenic. i.e. too fragmented to make sense. Has a certain energy though.
This could stand the addition of about thirty verbs.
DarkThirteens
on Untitled *involves taking pills and cutting with razors* by AskittlesK
22 Mar 2004, 10:42 PM
I really enjoyed this poeme. I'm sorry to hear about your story and hope everything works out. -10-
ooo tis marvelous!! I luvs the whole scar across your face ting. i adore thunder storms haha. hinkoo muchly for the comment and votey mon ^.^
it means pointless
I'm going to echo caffrey - but elaborate by saying the âtoo manyâ words are precisely the ones you've put in to sound like âpoetryâ.
Here's a test - take out the rhyming words - does the meaning change? If it doesn't - why have them?
You word choices should add value. You've got shattered twice, btw - and five "t"'s between them. And my pet peeve, extraneous prepositional phrases.
Try not to trade meaning for rhyme â what you are trying to convey (the idea of which I like, btw) is complicated enough as it is â focus on that.
Maybe, as an exercise, make the same poem without rhyming?
thanks...
I don't "get" the last stanza, but I like the rest quite a bit. I hangs just on that edge of tongue-in-cheek. works for me.
Nicely constructed, nicely done.
Well said. I'd put "they" in "once bring you in" and a ? at the end. And I'd answer yes.
-Life as a burning crock of shit.... that is what life is.. but I did like what you were trying to say... nice thoughts... 8
I went from depressed to lost and depressed. what the hell
Never anything but.
Well, then. I hope you don't ever decide to really fuck with me. Friends now?
In Spanish, which really accents only either one or two syllables per phrase or sentence, the equivalent of iambic pentameter is called decasÃlabo (ie, ten syllables). Since Bobjim was talking about total syllable counts instead of feet-counts, I was trying to include that aspect. But I do know what English iambic pentameter is. Really. I swear.