fuzzylogicisatwat
on Fly by etherealmaiden
18 Mar 2004, 1:06 PM
A big stinking pile of pump.
I like the way you have used arbitrary line breaks to turn ordinary prose into stilted poetry.
Not to sound like one of those assholes, but maybe you'd be better off going to my-tragic-personal-experience-ranker or my-true-expression-of-my-feelings-ranker instead of bringing your problems to POEMranker, where contentless scatology-rhyming balladic nonsense always carries the day.
Do you see what you have done here. You have written a poem making ill thought out comments on other peoples poems 'nonsense... disguised as poetry'
Directly after you have stomped your feet because 'a few idiots made stupid comments' about yours.
I like milliard. I hope it exists sensibly, unlike the background of the poem. Thanks for that, I hadn't noticed how surfaceful it was.
Zodiac, you're the only one who comments anymore. I have to give this a 10
when I first started reading this, I really like it. I think it flouders midway but regains it's strengh towards the end. there are a few lines that bother me though, especially in the last stanza. I was expecting something that would floor me, but all I got was something that sounded like you gave up. Also, if you revise this, please take the word "etched" out the last stanza. maybe that was what ruined it. I'm giving it a 9 anyway.
Good, like the first verse especially. Sounds right, metaphor carried through.
Don't really understand the final line though.
"milliard"?
Okay, here's the corny hi-i'm-new-to-poemranker review: I almost wish there was more story. What I get is: thank you, leaves, for listening to that terrible thing that just happened and not talking - more than something like: thank you leaves for listening as I'm talking right now, in this sentence, that I'm speaking, which ends right... here. But then I get no clue what they were listening to. Am I so wrong?
sure. Rhyming prose. Got it.
"Good prose" - and it rhymes.
Love,
for you I drank
my own sob/cry/scream...
- from 'Revancha' by Agustin Lara (the hispanic Bing Crosby)
Nice details.
It's good prose Zodiac - what's the translation?
No particularly good lines, but the experimentation with style is interesting, and almost comes off.
The rhythm of the the first verse I like.
The other verses are too predictable however and the rhyme cower with power is absurdly forced.
Presents could work, but there'd have to be some reference to gifts or something earlier to prepare me for it, cheesy as that sounds. It's like richa and his AAAAPPPPPPLLLLLLEEEESSSS.
Fear of Garbage
replying on The Benefits of Living in a House by Fear of Garbage
17 Mar 2004, 10:54 AM
It was presents. But I see what you mean.
Great. Some of the lines seem a little overwrought or unnecessary:
"They have not been touched for years;"
"Nothing but death inhabits these walls,"
and (maybe)
"I should be finally free
from the presents of this place."
And presents is presence. I think. I could just be extra un-ironic today.
Sadly, my epiphanys come in single penny doses. My most recent,-as long as you follow, he will lead you anywhere he damn well pleases,- came as a two-center.
You have been blessed. Enjoy.