Bobjim
on Lunacy by wFraser Allonby Q.C.w
3 Mar 2004, 7:23 AM
I like this one. I feel it could almost apply to me.
10
If you're going to do bad poetry, do it properly. Still, a 7 for trying.
Why does that slag give all your poems 10? I think she probably typed your name into google saw my picture on my old company's website and has been a'swooning ever since.
Hey guys! Crytsal Lane Swift here! I think this poem's like totally awesome and I give it -10-
I suggest you capitalise the rhyming words - like this:
The war begins with the SAGES
They want the world to end, stealing peasants souls and making WAGES
They never have any CARE
About the peasants, war or even their family: all they do is stay in their LAIR
They have the key but they do not use IT
It could save the SHIT
They got bored and killed everyone in their PATH
They had no sympathy for all those who got in their way suffored their WRATH
They couldnt see they began the WAR
And made it come to an end; they just took their LORE
And have never been seen AGAIN
Because they are all INSANE and snort COCAINE and COMPLAIN about headaches in the BRAIN caused by a ruptured internal cerebral VEIN
Okay yeah this poem sucks because I had nothing to write about and I was bored and couldn't think of anything so I just typed stuff down..hahaha yeah well anyways...... <:3 )~~~L8er~~~~( 3:>
Just last week I was saying to myself "I might yet get the mail". And I'm making progress. I mean, you must admit, I've improved? I know, still, I'm an asshat, but I've gotten better.
Somehow, that hurt.
I just wanted to say that I just read your entire weblog, so now I know pretty well what your life is like, and I really feel bad about sounding so harsh before. But this poem still doesn't seem true. It seems like what someone who hasn't overdosed or been a pill addict imagines overdosing is like, etc, but it's completely not. Not even close. Nope.
"I didn't write this poem for others" is the second-most-commonly-said thing on this site after "bow'ls". It isn't true either. People who don't write poems for others leave their deeply personal poems in their own, closed spiral-bound notebooks and don't post them on public sites for comment. I'm not trying to break your balls, but saying that is a really easy way to bludgeon people repeatedly with amateurish poetry while not listening to any criticism. Trust me, there's way too much bludgeoning here. I sincerely hope you'll take some honest advice when it comes your way and try to improve your poetry, which is better than at least 50% of what's posted here.
So, ADVICE #1: It's a really bad idea to have a link to your blog on your profile page. People will take... liberties with it. Tchuss.
I like the ideas....but a little militant...
This kind of makes me think that Hendrix and Jim Morrison got drunk together...
I think this is more about a feeling....wanting to take the drugs to kill the pain...not so much in actually doing it. Been there myself...I like it.
Thank you! That means alot from you..
I didn't write this poem for others... it was just a way to release the guilt that was scrammbling in my head about something that i did to myself although it didn't reach this extreme. Sorry but your comment just made me mad because you don't know what my life is really like, but i'll accept that criticism. thanks for the input.
I don't think you really pop pills. Sorry. Now I'm asking myself, how would a real pill addict write this poem differently? And I'm thinking, probably by not writing at all. Or by not writing a poem about pill-popping. So, there are all sorts of tricky issues you could put in this poem - touching on, among other things, the authenticity of the authorial voice, the general Barthian meta-ness of writing a poem in which the narrator - obviously not a pill-popper - pretends to be one without really expecting to be believed (and is, for that reason, more believable.) That would really be something. Or you could just write about your own life instead.
Roger that(than-Q) - btw, I like that whole phonetic spelling thing - gonna use that someplace (hey, when a guy writes a poem a day he can get pretty desperate - its actually not a terrible idea. I wonder if it's been done? Musta been).
Was liking it until "My reality's blurred " then it lost its charm.
Don't feel too bad. I gave you a ten.
Immediately turned off by seein "Purple" and "hazey" together - but I'll keep reading...
hmmm. I like the last two lines - but I still don't know what it was about.
excellent (period, full fucking stop).