Shuushin
on Cutters Part II The Recut (Limerick Triplet) by Shardik
2 Mar 2004, 6:03 PM
"stepped upon a landmina." - okay, thats brilliant.
The rest, gradually less so - but still a -10- if ever I saw one.
Gawd. That's long. I know, you get that alot.
Yeah.. thanks for that...
Of all the Beverly Hills 90210 actors, you resemble Brian Austin Green the most, and Brandon's friend who shot himself in season 1 the second most.
Yeah, well it often takes WALKING out one's front and trying, you know? One foot than the other. After all safety harness's and helmets go a long way.
Let's take this metaphor a little bit further: If you made an awful, hideous sculpture that had floating bits, would people be interested in it? Probably. People do like floating things, especially if they have flashing lights attached to them somehow, or if they produce loud rhythmic noises. I, for one, would not be that impressed. Even if you could 'fuck' with the laws of physics, you could still pretty easily be a bad sculptor in my book. Especially if you weren't a very good scupltor within the laws of phyisics to begin with.
Well, at least you tried.
What do you mean by 'deep'?
Christ, by the end...? I was still a communist.
My suggestion, keep the last stanza and eat the rest.
And Gore Vidal.
Besides - do you really think we're all so dense that we can't figure out what words to emphasize while reading a poem? Perhaps you should spell them all phonetically, too, in case we poetry readers have trouble rendering all these strings of characters into meaningful sounds. What's more, take a look at the (one) word you arbitrarily accentuated. Feathers? The technique you apply to this poem is mostly leaving words uncapitalized where they should be (ie, insulated, timeless, and blisses.) Is that to say you think these words should be unaccented? Or - wait, here's an idea - maybe you just didn't think about it that hard.
That's not to say this isn't one of the top, say, two poems on the 20 most recent today. I really like several parts of it. So does the fact that I'm getting all this critical mileage out of something so completely unrelated to your meaning give you even a moment's pause? It probably should.
spiff. :)
My suggestion: get rid of either 'wonder' or 'wander'.
PS regarding the punctuation/capitalization/etc, it makes you look like you don't really know what you're doing, whatever your content/meaning/etc suggests to the contrary. YOU know you know what you're doing, but seeing this I think, hm, kinda amateurish. You might well say, fuck you, I'm going to be immortal whatever I do with my grammar, like Blake - but that's crap. At the very least, get famous first by writing semi-normally punctuated/etc poems, and THEN turn all the crazy meaningless punctuationless/etc crap on, if you still find it so cool.
Oh, and go ahead, attack me on this. I know you want to. Everyone does.
coolies.
interesting... in a good kinda odd way
The capitalisation is like an unpunctualised way to give emphasis, like started sentences that finish from unfinished ones.
I know the thing with God is a big step, but it feels careless and reckless and brazen and besides I only really care about God. I can't think of anything else.. I guess, "This is how Gold/Good/flame feels".. I think they'd be weak openings. What does it feel like, first thing in the morning, when you're still a little sleep-drunk and dozy?
Fair point, me too. Is it cheesy? Could I alter the word order, e.g. wonder, wake, wander, dream - wander, wonder, wake, dream - ?
I was intending to introduce the punctuation and form of sentences steadily through the poem. Does this not work?
I wanted to point out the lamitude and lack of imagination in your title. After I'd done that, I became overwhelmed with a desire to see you mutilated and in agony. That's all.
Cheers mate!
I like the accentuation of key words with the capitalization, and if you did that on purpose, then I'm fine, too, with the punctuation.
Though I know that some will be put off by it - hey this is not sculpting (despite the similarities); where we can't ignore the laws of physics and invent materials and have them hover over the piece blinking in and out from multiple dimensions - this is poetry. And we can very easily fuck with those "laws".
So, having said that I like the mechanics of it - I'm a bit put off by the first line, and therefore the rational for the rest.
I just don't believe this dumbing-down of god-like sensations to a human level (and this is from a guy who doesn't believe in god).
I think it's fixable by making it a lesser diety (stick an article in there), and maybe by shading the perspective a little (not sure exactly how to do that). I may be the only one bothered by it, dunno - it still could appeal to a broader audience.
extra points for style.