Shuushin
on simply missing by daggatolar
28 Feb 2004, 4:09 PM
I really like this:
"Who is after me
My own me after me"
lots of originality here.
The Phantom of the Opera once gave me a hand shandy.
what in this poem would make you think of any relavence to the movie besides the tittle? I would back up my comments if I were you Zodiac....although stale jerky in a fresh pile of staming turd is not all that bad either....haha
'to be' in 'once more to be buried' bothers me. I've been looking in Poet's Market at poetry reviews which specialize in minimalism, which I think is where you're headed. You might take a look at 'Indefinite Space' (wings.buffalo.edu/epc/ezines/treehome/t
rename it with someting to do with fire and you'll almost have something.
or a dragon. and add another stanza.
btw, "mouth" (as you spell it) should be "muthge"
The first few lines show a certain potential. 'Outside I am watching and life goes round/ like prose and just as'
The rest is a bit off, but reading the entire submissions of a day. Something like this sticks out.
Huh, good point.
Bollocks, I thought it would be scorn-worthy (so why post?, you wonder. I'm sure you can answer that a few ways yourself). It's so straightforward. Did you really give it an 8? I feel a contradiction has been expressed. Possibly?
precisely, what I said to the guy that told me an unholy sonnet was an actual "learned style in college"? Consisting of 13 lines and having the option of (get this) Rhyming, or not? LOl, so I was like dude, that's an unholy ode, or freeverse. and then I stole his title and did it right, naturally, and then pummeled him to death with it.
good observations, well put.
I'm thinking this works, but I almost got tripped up about 2/3rds way in; maybe could be trimmed a bit?
I really wish it was something beside the word LIFE at the end.
Sorry, but it just seems like a rhyming exercise; I think most of us here, yourself included, could probably do one of these every 12 minutes.
that last bit - it's visual to be sure, but think I liked the other version?
The squirrel completely freezes the ability for me to look around and consider the setting for me, and that image is what I'm left with. If that was the intent then kudos, but its quite a departure from the previous version.
where is the unholy part?
Moves along purty well.
Only because you misread the title as "Tittie Lounge".
Dude, that was the one thing I liked about this? lol.