zodiac
on Cold Rain Road by middenHeap
28 Jan 2004, 2:29 PM
No comma after skid. The 'man' reference is weird. It either sticks out too much or not enough. You are no old gentleman; you are as vernal as the Spring. On another string I hypothesize you as a young lady.
Am I being characterized as an elderly gentleman? Have all my affectations of pomposity paid off? In any case, I was quite young and ignorant when I wrote this one, but it is a bit of a wank. I say soul twice!
Hear hear!
I always imagine dark angel with a voice like Rupert Everett's.
An olive spitting out its pimiento; an elderly gentleman engaging in "Single-Handed Sailing". Which is the lewder?
I agree. So make an insightful comment on one.
Or even point out a minor grammatical issue.
Make me regret prodding you.
Make an actual critique (as opposed to referencing your poo-poo)
Didn't you think it was funny I pointed out a (what would be considered in the context of prose to be) grammatical error on the most grammatically correct thing I've ever seen you post ever?
I got quite a chuckle out of it.
actually, on refresh I realize zodiac is expressing ambivalent appreciation. Sorry, zodiac. Ok the two of you then. Where were you that time I needed just 5 bucks more for a train to the next city?
I don't mind at all. If there ever was anything I held sacrosanct (unlikely) I simply wouldn't post it here.
now if YOU don't mind...
the part you say you can't make out, do you mean L.8-10? If so that's quite interesting, because this whole part was edited & expanded after the crucifiction on Eratosphere, in an attempt to provide some setting. It didn't appease them. : (
originally it was:
The woman has in eyes lost
an entire history in that dark
behind the waves in our endless sun
(Oh California) under trees we have retreated
that woman in vast dark eyes entire
always away looking oblique and strong
with sideways fast looks that fill me in
entire
...
do you think I should try and rework that part to have as much ambiguity as the middle, rather than less as I was trying?
the middle is massive ambiguity. I'm kinda proud of it, really, as an experiment -- it's not particularly easy to do. You can group the words in so many ways to make valid phrases.
I'm thinking about ditching the entire-ly. You're probably right. It's gimmicky and breaks the flow.
But anyway, you are the only person who has ever expressed any appreciation for this one. And I busked it, so it's been seen by hundreds of people. I don't remember ever selling a single one, though I stubbornly gave it a spot on my display for several weeks. I'm fond of it because I like remembering the girl...
i like this....its good
personally, i would lose the explanation at the beginning
we should figure it out on our own
stoplight/midnight and light/daylight are hard rhymes and should not be so close together
i also think "it's the coming, i think, of daylight" feels out of place and is awkwardly worded
you don't really use that kind of syntax anywhere else
all that said, once again, you right good stuff
i actually like "fellow"
it implies fellowship
her ghost is keeping you company
i think it completely works with the rest of the piece
More focus please. i lose my way from 'burning embers...' to 'Should you bind her...' can you stay with one metaphor, or at least build a segue? You also say 'ruled by none...to grasp herself from the observer' that makes no sense. also 'She knew what to decline' seems inappropriate for someone who's being threatened by imprisonment. It's all over the place. Focus.
Well let's see... I am without question an e.e. cummings holdout. I found him when I was altogether weensy, and still learning English. He was key for opening the complicated lock of language. I think I learned more about English syntax from him then I ever did from all the nice ladies deconstructing sentences on the chalkboard(Just to think of those long drawnout afternoons in class makes me want to lay my head down on the desktop and drool), so I have to disagree with the notion that such experimentation is a drawback.
Up intil the first 'entire' I was throughly pleased. Especially the way 'oh California' sets the beginning lines as overture to what follows.
From first 'entire' to second 'entire' I can't make out what you mean. It's frustrating because then it picks up again and I can follow the thread.
Could you change the 'entire-ly' to 'entire'? Let's say:
'explained dark dark hair and eyes an entire one
apart yet some finger reaches'
In my humble opinion this poem might benefit from more nonsense, as it were,
largest wave breaking
in tantalizing sun
tantalizing curl of bluegreen
glass & foam, the ocean has
pounded shores trillion times entire
though they too have never become 1.
Well that was fun, Hope you don't mind. Please keep exploring. It's not often enough I get served an exotic dish.
Listen, that's nice, but I really don't care. Perhaps you should concentrate on fixing your poetry? It is afterall, unreadable boring goop.
A deeply, deeply lewd piece.
His science fiction is far above almost all other science fiction. They are novels first, science fiction second. Player of Games is indeed excellent, but Use of Weapons is my favourite. If you're an old school science fiction short story fan, you'll remember the twist is the thing. Use of Weapons is the best twist evar. In any case, start with Wasp Factory and read the whole oeuvre, there aren't any stinkers in the lot.
'Player of Games' is the best science fiction book ever written. I recommend 'The Bridge' and 'The Wasp Factory' from his non-science fiction line. Probably anyone else would say the same.
yeah, it's pretty sappy, eh? I wrote it on a napkin in the Hari Krishna temple in Laguna Beach at one of their huge weekly dinners.
The one part I like is "I vibrate in the strings between stars/and have become a throat of the sun."
I'm not sure it's a pimple, though, just sappy. I've another sappy pome from the same evening that I'll post later.