andrewjthomas
replying on Reconstruction by andrewjthomas
26 Jan 2004, 5:02 PM
hmmm, i'm thinking of changing line 8 to:
with effete colors standing out so lonely.
thoughts?
I agree, if you want to keep "so" ditch many and get two hard consonants in there.
I of course would not be able to resist saying "with the van gogh colours standing out lonely" lolololol
added a second line for 6
As far as line 6, just a comma from the previous line or into the following line would suffice. In a pinch it'll work as is.
In line 8 (if you want to follow Goad's track, which is pretty good) you might consider changing 'many', which is not poetic in the sense you're aiming for. If you do, don't think of synonyms for many, think of something on the fringe of synonymity (which is not, as far as I know, a real word.)
I'm not as worried about the Dixie battle hymns as Goad is. But he's got a good ear.
excellent feedback, thanks
i agree with 6&8 but have no quick solutions at the moment
made many of the changes you suggested for 23&24 but "these" stays
fixed "heard" (definitely made this tighter, thanks again)
courtesy should stay i think
beloved it is, thank you so much for the excellent feedback
this is the best interaction i've had anywhere online
I agree. It makes it something more than an adjective.
how about darling?
same gist, more over the top in keeping with the rest. or beloved? used there it would almost be an epithet...
mmmm, yummy word soup. I'm such a sucker for syncopation.
L. 6 feels isolated, can he get a companion clause?
L. 8 is too weak rhythmically to stand with the rest, get a spondee or two in there. You could just delete "so" for a spondee.
L23-24. get rid of "these" and "of", and match your tenses: I sing battle hymns to Dixie, cotton and unbroken/But it just feels folktale.
you wishy washy out near the end! How about "in the end when we heard", and find a way to get rid of courtesy if you can.
i agreed with zodiacs suggestions also, except that I don't mind sweet. lol, we had a fight over the word thing once.
Huh. I am definitley not your biggest fan. But i like this one. 8 work for you?
I'm all for you actually. I have no training. I have always been told by those in the know that my ways are bat guano. Every manuscript I have ever submitted has met with scorn. Storming the Walls is a nice Idea. Have You Looked at NFG. This was started by a wall stormer. I got scorned by them as well.
I'm all for you actually. I have no training. I have always been told by those in the know that my ways are bat guano. Every manuscript I have ever submitted has met with scorn. Storming the Walls is a nice Idea. Have You Looked at NFG. This was started by a wall stormer. I got scorned by them as well.
That works fine.
It's a kind of transubstantiation. And an immaculate conception (of sourness).
Nah.
I think swellings are nature's most beautiful gifts. To leave an innocent object in a pool of unsavoury liquid, and come back to find it bloated, pregnant with an unnameable sourness, is to commune with Christ, to experience true peace.
This is one of the best poemes on poemeranker.
yeah, i completely agree
i just haven't had the heart to take the shears to it yet
care to point out the bits that shouldn't get cut?
oh, how about "fulsome"? that still has the general gist of what i'm trying to imply...
heh, just as long as you don't say "saccharine"
i personally don't go for any of those, but thanks
also, i could change it from "shining" to "shines" and that would complete the clause...