Goad
on Pine by andrewjthomas
26 Jan 2004, 3:02 PM
Some good stuff in here. Please do a little bonsai with it. You intrigued me, but by the end I no longer gave a fuck what you were tired of. Just post the pome, not the whole worksheet for the pome.
If you soak a pretzel in urine for five hours it will swell and taste nasty.
That's amazing. I stand educated.
"also, do you think the un-ended clause works?" Sort of. Maybe do away with the period and hope no one notices. If they do, it'll run into 'I loved' pretty nicely. I don't think anyone's being serious here tonight, or I'd turn it over to the crowd for a new 'sweet' - an sweet substitute, if you will. My votes: dreamlike, phatasmagoric, slow-motion... (more to follow)
liar.
Perhaps so, but I would urge you to consult http://www.playgroundlaw.com/cgi-bin/bro
well, i'm no fan of overused and cliché words either
but sometimes on the rare occasion they fit
still, i'm open to suggestions, got any?
also, do you think the un-ended clause works?
a tampon with wings? Anatomically impossible!
-=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.
replying on Once the moon turned me into a hairy vagina by horus8
26 Jan 2004, 2:51 PM
I should say not. In my youth, I was fond of a certain rope swing, until one day my hands slid all the way down it, removing most of the skin and replacing it with a yellow ooze. Yes, you may scoff -- indeed, laugh at the old man and his crippled, withered hands. But can you order an Irish coffee at two A.M. and have it delivered to your room? No. No. I can.
and by that you mean...?
>>"there needs to be some kind of adjective there pointing out the beauty of the self-destruction being witnessed "
Maybe, but not 'sweet.' Of course, you'll find I am the shameless (and rather zealous) scourge of poetic adjectives and modifiers.
Pan handler.
wow, good critique (i really don't mind and i appreciate the in-depth commenting)
i agree with dropping "and" and "The", nice catch
i did mean for the passage to not form a clause but i'm still debating if it works
i think if people keep getting hung up it may be a problem
i'm not sold on taking out "sweet"
there needs to be some kind of adjective there pointing out the beauty of the self-destruction being witnessed
This should be a pimple, I think.
Better not to have Lenore explain to us how to interpret his poem, because it should stand on its own, you nit. Oh wait, I just did that two days ago. Ooops.
The passage "while this deconstruction of residential
zoning half-burnt brick and mortar shell shining," doesn't form a clause. What happens "while"? I would understand if you meant for it to be like that, with the abruptness of "rebuild" and all, but if not it needs a verb. I would also take the "sweet" out of "sweet train wreck" and even (really controlling unsolicited advice here) drop the "and" from the beginning of that line and the "The" before sirens. It's really good otherwise. Don't think I criticized so much because I don't like it. You'll see I'm harder on the good ones.
Have you seen "The Fog"? (This is where dark bagel comes along and goes "I am fog!!! blargh!" and then toots the horn on the side of his ass wagon).
Would you like to come swing with us? There's a ramp.
Really? I must have skipped that day to go swing on a rope at the pond.
plasticized is most definitely a word, without the hyphen, and it is pronounced plastisized. It is often also spelled plasticised.