Shuushin
on Beauty Sleep by Blindpoetry
28 Dec 2003, 6:45 PM
somehow - sad.
I like this talk of a girl in water, with oil.
and I like the poem - I want to give it a nine.
so, I will.
"You make me mad
when i should be glad."
"Just die aready,
i wont cry
i'll laugh.
I'll be glad,
and no longer mad!!!"
classic pimple.
(persons, places or things)
stiletto s2, stiletto s7
rosary s2, rosary s4.
Repeated noun? (Forgive me, grammar isn't one of my major strong points.) Explain.
Yeah, I used to characterize alot when I was much younger, been missin writing in a narrative perspective.. I made the name up off the top of my head, unless its actually a womans name (-shrug- never read a name list..)
Resigned? Shes englufed in the metaphorical "devils breath" quivering in "odium" (hate coupled with disgust + state of disgrace) and emotionally abandoned by her faith.
The mood isn't really resigned- but I did make the beginning a calm explaination of the reasons for the ending- giving the ending a more passionate feel with the violence blunty conveyed, along with a quick short upfront conclusion.
I guess it doesn't have the expected effect on all of the readers.. ;/ trial and error- poetry is always a learning process.
Awesome!! (Don't you think its a bit cruel, though? Don't tell me that YOU'VE never been rejected before by somebody you were crushing on...). Nonetheless, if you recategorized this as a pimple poem, its good shit.
I know, lets pretend i have a gun and a knife and your all by yourself. and more importantly the one with the BULLETS! go fuck a tree asshole.
The end is a bit trite: 'of course it is real (or so it seems)' is not going to add to centuries of debate about human existence.
Is this life real sounds like some innanity from a j-lo song too.
Aside from this though, I certainly like the fluid phrasing.
WOW! I really liked this. I love the way you set this up. It seems to me to be very effective in that it feels like a movement between two people. Very well done!
It starts really strong I think, then seems to lose momentum and organization. I really like the lines âYou wear your ego like a capeâ, and âyou smile
like a new disguise afraid to look me in the
eyes.â And âlike a rose with too much sun petals
wither an come undoneâ
A couple of suggestions:
It might be helpful to re-arrange breaks to add some structure, for example (made a couple of grammatical suggestions in brackets too):
You wear your ego like a cape.
a regal cloak, a vane escape.
You[r] smile, like a new [disguise]
afraid to look me in the eyes.
From this point on, it gets kind of confusing, feels almost as though phrases are missing, you may want to add a touch here and there to give the reader some guidance. All in all I enjoyed your imagery, but needed more to really connect with what is going on in the work.
Could be cute I guess...depending on the way it's arranged...but lyrically, standing on it's own, it's just a bit too odd for my taste. (but then, that's only my taste...)
yep. thats a pimple alright.
good ending.
I liked "and well-thumbed rosary" but not the repeated noun. Same with stiletto.
I like the characterization lots, you know, that you gave her a name.
Certainly a nice idea - but the execution... Despite Richa's [everpresent] sour tone, I agree with him.
ShaNoN+960317485
on Advice to poets I am passing on from CHARLES DARWIN by Plaidypus
27 Dec 2003, 8:54 PM
true 2 the font that ye typed
Can it [love] be blue?
Well yes, on film it can. Having said that love in this situation can be rather euphemistic.
A joke at the expense of rap language?
the first line is the best I think, funny
Liberal use of religious language gives this a certain place.
But the stabbing the priest bit, yes it is extreme but why did it happen? The mood seems resigned rather than violent up until then. And why 'husbands stilletos'