Shardik
on unsung love by khuscen
6 Nov 2003, 1:26 PM
This is a wonderfull tribute to a dung beetles favourite task. Rolling poop.
wiccan douche magic.
My little brother has three, I have 5, my mother has 1, and you are about as imaginative and rigid as a lightbulb crafted into a speed pipe.
So.
!
Herman Hesse.
Bad sushi.. did you ask yourself if you had gills first? could have been a good idea.
Heres an eight.
What, as in moon, June, loon? It was difficult enough to find the quotes. If you want them to rhyme, talk to Stanley & Marvin; have them get their verbal act together before casting it about the airwaves. Or do you mean something else, like tighten up the metrics?
Maybe so. A fitting subject for a poem of its own.
this girl broke my heart . . .
Only poesyests know the troof.
written for a girl as is obvious!!!!
settle...?
that or someone that has studied his works extensively.
Nice lil tweak with monday, you always manage some method of keeping the form intact when you start to slide a bit off course.
Damned good vil. 9
I have no clue as to what you are talking about, nor do I need to.
greets ShabigNlittleOHbigN
A clever riddle, pleasantly done. Didja mean to leave the "e" off of hast[e]? Hard to tell with the dialect.
The axiomatic form of your reasoning was not immediately clear, however I accept your response.
As for your third paragraph, however, it simply depends on the quality of the kiev. Mechanically separated chicken or lovingly hand made fillet/breast creations? I think you ponderings on the nature of Kiev(x), will be greatly helped by you seeking out more lovingly hand made examples.
I'm sorry, this is crap.
In all your personalities you show a gift for fresh perspective - and that comes easily to you.
But this putting it into a readable form thing; harder, eh?
- when you find that the poem just drops out of you, instead of just posting the shit - how about spending a little time to form it into something presentable?
Maybe then you won't need nine avatars to carry things to the screen.
The shock of the stink only carries you so far (or I've just gotten used to it).
Some really good concepts, like the boxed russian dolls, manufacturing linked with Taiwanese children, sardines brined from stress (sweaty sweaty) - but I think the thing could use a diet, and the meaning wanders a bit, imho (as usual).
for example, the word truth is there a few times too many maybe. Given what is here, ask yourself, again, what point(s) your are trying to make, and make a stab at refocusing it. You may find you have enough trimmings for another poem.
As a final thought - consider changing it to a third person. I know, I know - your poem conveys a personal message of self-definition - but I think you can do that, and hold the readers sympathies better if there is a character involved.
I AGREE ABOUT THE ZOO THING SO HAVE DELETED 3 LINES - THANK YOU OH DARK ONE