poetandknowit
replying on rainfall saga 1 by Bill Z Bub
24 Oct 2003, 6:21 PM
yeah, like a poem!
poetandknowit
on Nothing beat the 90's for An over view of American culture by Shardik
24 Oct 2003, 6:14 PM
Rather straight forward and not wholly original by any means, but not bad. I would curb the didactic diddling toward the end.
Somethings missing. Something small and important. Why do I want to read
smile
lure(s)
fingers
also, you do not show the thread that binds the smile to the rain and its thundering. You use the word 'weave' but do not. Smile-Fingers-Rain-Thundering. All lured? Some lured by certain ones, and not others? Show me the path, the formula here.
Typo in the stanza before last (glimpsed) and peaceful's spelled wrong- unless that was a play on the word full (since his body was emptied of blood). Anyway, I think the rhyme makes this sound like one of your parody pieces, though the words aren't inappropriate or too cliche. You know you can improve this.
Quite witty and well done. Maybe there should be a surgeon general's warning on the packages of guitar strings?
Gosh, thanks Mr. Angel! I'm so glad you like this poeme. It was published in Christian Women's Affirmations Monthly. Have you accepted the Lord Jesus into your Heart?
Bill Z Bub
on Nothing beat the 90's for An over view of American culture by Shardik
24 Oct 2003, 5:26 PM
excellente.
Not me, I mourn when it melts in April. When she was 3, my daughter said "Can't we just throw it all in a garbage can and then it will be summer?"
Just let it all out, baby.
Thanks for the feedback and comments. I see your point about "dark skinned" being implied in "Black and Latino" but this piece is meant to convey racial tension with the imagery and descriptions (the pink 'pigs', the white trash bags) so I think it is useful to distinguish whether the narrator was seeing dark skinned or "high yaller" African Americans, non-white Latinos or caucasian Latinos.
You are right, I should be writing short fiction. I, too, am aware of the falseness of the label "free verse" when I am writing prose, but I try to "pass" if you know what I mean.
Harmonic in its dissonance. Interesting, I like this description a great deal. It is a simple indication of an unresolved but accepted complexity.
My reading suggests the following change:
'a chorus harmonic in its six-legged dissonance,
never completely soothing the restlessness inside'
The second line reemphasizes the first I think (as opposed to contradicting it with a 'but').
Or maybe my reading was wrong - as can do.
absolutely
SupremeDreamer
on Nothing beat the 90's for An over view of American culture by Shardik
24 Oct 2003, 3:24 PM
look who gets the last laugh.. hrmm. wonderfull. 10
well, sure, what do you suggest?
Crude, my dear 'oet. Throat fucking is a pleasure, incest with MY sister is unthinkable.
Quite good like getting caught fucking your sister's mouth -10-
Splendid - 10- ignore Artie he is gay and didn't go to RGSHW
"Cherish" doesn't work.e with the "eh" suff-ends of the first two lines. How about "Warts ne'er Dimish."?
A personal exercision and cauterization is in order. You may cherish that moment.
Yeah, face cancer will do what?
http://www.poemranker.com/poem-details.j
Savory Display. Now I have a craving for BBQ. Smells like the work of a bovie wafting through an OR hallway.