Bill Z Bub
on Reptilian by Christof
9 Oct 2003, 3:11 PM
ah.
yes.
wait, let me read it
again
ah.
and again.
yes.
another incredible piece from one of the best.
if you find time, you could look at one of mine.
Poetand knowit says I am irredeemably crap and should look at yours, I can see they are good, but I can't see why mine are crap.
shades of john k, a fine parody
possibly should not have to tell the reader it is a parody
how sweet, life is shit she makes it (a bit) better
somehow chillingly reminiscent
the rhyme with sheep is a bit daft though
Can't really hear it as a lyric,
nevertheless nice wordplay, and poetic language with something more concrete
great
sexy
Pretty awesome, really.
should be "heart[']s" I think tho.
None of the rhyming seems forced, which is cool.
If you are so moved, maybe you could consider replacing the second "the 3 words" with "them"? It might just be me, but I felt distracted by the duplication (as if I was missing something, thinking "it must be so for a reason").
Dear Blue Magpie,
I apaolgize for my mistaken accusation. I was wrong about the misspellings. I have been a horrible mood today, and you bore the brunt of it.
I stand corrected.
Nice!
Flows really well, is entertaining - the timing of the ending is perfect.
a small nit: dumpt the "that" after "shit" and the "the" after "to" as in "Not the shit they sell to tourists."
It may be just my poor reading of poetry, but is the and at the end of lines 2/3/4 necessary it seems to break up the flow..
'my drinking remembers thirst' is my favourite line
not bad, a little long winded, I think it tries to deal with the beat 'beat' in a too reflective way.
Good ideas about why the young condescend/ wisdom teeth/ dreads etc but needs to be snappier I think, maybe with a rhyme (just my personal preference).
Don't like the title though, it is a label
needs a butress
Hi Suushin,
To take you comments as they come, I am sorry it didn't grab you, this is an experimental write for me, and I do have my audience of choice in mind. Funny you should suggest that the line "Jesus made Pilot feel uncomfortable" might be a forced rhyme, it was in the early drafts as an unrhymed, or unpaired line and I only added the trouble line much later.
Thanks for liking the last stanza. As for the IP, as I said to someone else, I deliberately stepped out of it in order to provide some relief. I fall into it so naturally it takes real effort to write anything of length and not use it, but it does get a bit soporific after a while. That is not to say my efforts worked, just to say what I thought I was trying to do.
Hywel,
I am sorry you didn't like the irregularity of the rhyming, it was deliberate,as was the descent from IP on occasions, it is actually easier to write perfect rhymes, at least for me at this stage of my poetic development. I am glad you liked the poem as a whole however.
While it is hard to take anyone who considers Joseph Smith an important philosophical figure seriously I will reply.
Aristotle may be a fair question, but Socrates would have been a much better one and I did feel I was letting an old lover down in not mentioning him, I may revise for his sake.
If Shang Tsung exists outside of the world of Mortal Combat I would like to know more of him
Dear Nameless Entity,
thankyou for the correction on Pilate, the only other spelling error I find is the extra r in harassed, a late word change, I would be grateful if you could point the other desperate misspellings.
For something so long you'd better grab me very tightly fairly early on. I don't feel grabbed.
There's alot of information here, but the credibility of it gets tainted right at the start with statements like "Jesus made Pilot feel uncomfortable".
It sounds like a line made just for the sake of the rhyme (with trouble?). Unforced rhyming and solid information is *extremely* difficult.
Lots of good data, lots of great, interesting names - its just that the vehicle is a bit tedious.
And I will say, the last stanza is mostly superb.
Lastly - much of this is iambic pentameter, so I found myself trying to continue that to the not conforming lines; that makes it hard to get a consistent rythm.
Maybe you could string a couple sonnets together? Extend it by a bit to make a crown?
Good stuff.
I can't, I pled the fifth. lol.