Shuushin
on soulmates by casey
9 Oct 2003, 8:17 PM
A host of truisms with a greeting card feel - what can be wrong about that?
small nit/typo: "your" in L6 s/b "you're"
I really think that rhyme with sheep, then the refrain adds a central charm; you should prolly keep that.
Simply put and to very good effect; I like it. I like it alot.
Just a hint of an ars poetical self depreciation too - I said I liked this already, right?
Is damn good. 8 from the East German.
A prepositional phrase slugfest.
I think Kansas said it best with, "we are merely indifferent scraps of ignorance, all we are is indifferent scraps of ignorance ..."
Consider a ";" after "wind" ("therefore" usage, actually, all of your commas here could be semi's) - keep or toss (as usual).
Special K.
ahh - I see now "Fly high!"; got it. I'm such a dope sometimes.
And yes, of course it did. You were there, I wasn't. 'welcome.
Fun-key.
The cats been drowned then kited away, as for the sun falling down? that's what it did. thank you.
These two lines are stunning, perhaps in a comedic way:
"Be a lapel on my chest
to stand as a stapled reminder [.]
[o]f what i've tried to digress to,
but never lived up to.
Never was able to."
btw - the use of "digress" here sounds like a thesaurus as work - "turn", "aspire"?
"where concrete and water
meet flush with each other." is very good.
You might have used whisper one too many times.
I was digging it until I hit the word "surreal" - this is close to something very good I think.
great start, last two lines: splat.
I keep thinking about a bathroom, then horseshoes - I NEED those last two lines dammit.
So, am I wrong about this - we only get three entries a week, right?
If I were to give you 3 dollars, would you eat one - or, if say I were to give you 3 apples... wait - get your own damn apples.
It is neat how it reads louder and louder as one gets further down the poem.
I do think the knob could be turned a bit faster though.
You might accomplish this by either trimming the extra words, "to his anger" to "it", for example and restructuring the line breaks (okay, that might be deconstructive criticsm... maybe it's REconstructive...)
The ending has a nice snap to it.
Some lovely images here including the kitten bit (confusing though with drowning and kite string -
maybe just the effects of the rye and ergot fungus?)
at the start, can you do something with "sun falls down" - where else might it fall? Up?
"frost blow-touch" is noteable; nice.
I'm not going to pretend to understand about a quarter of it, but it has a nice flow nonetheless, so I'll just go along for the ride.
You SHOULD take Joseph Smith more seriously. If it hadn't been for him, the gold tablets would never have been engraved. Hardly a trivial figure in philosophical history, you must admit.
Totally understood and I very much appreciate the response to my comments. It is hard to make a fair citique of a poem without being familiar with the poet's body of work - but I figure one approach is to take each at face value.
As for writing IP and something of length, yes - can be a drag. I have a crown of sonnets I've been "working on" for 8 months. 5 sonnets into it, plus skeletons for the remainders, I just look at it now and think, "what a pathetic piece of crap."
Anyway - I do like quite a bit of what you've got here (there is lots of substance), sorry if I appear to focus more on the crits.
Lai
Well, if you think about it carefully, the pen is actually mightier than the egg.