Joe-joe
on Brighton Beach by Caducus
24 Sep 2003, 10:27 AM
Sounds a lot like Brighton Beach in my home town of Brooklyn New York. Along with its neighbor, Coney Island, Brighton Beach has become a safe haven for gangs and Russian mobsters. Sad. -8-
Wide fingered to pretend parents. Tasty.
(I hate that place)
3rd part disturbed me deliciously so. 9
Clever. ;)
heh
I love the contrast of old and new, and you pick some great details, Caducus. Seems a little jaggedy still and could use some honing, but you've got really a really good core to work with. I really enjoyed it.
Sounds like someone's bitter. Take comfort in the likelihood that you probably don't have chlamydia, unlike them. Not your worst poeme, though. 6
Does this mean, oh joy of joys, that you are leaving? I also see that you have deleted "comments on this site part 2", which I take it means you are refusing my challenge to name 10 great minds who have achieved great things at or before the age of 16.
By the way the scintillating rythms of this poem have scored white hot lines across my soul. -10-
Thanks for the offer. I am certain that your latest offering will be superb. I know that you are an extremely talented "blue collar beat" poet. I am sure that you'll be really famous as soon as the rest of the world catches up with you. But I would rather boil my head than read any more of your drug-induced ramblings, you ego-maniacal lunatic.
Went in grey and came out shiny black. Yum! (you even spelled 'grey'in the Geschäftsreise approved manner!) Lovely.
I would change the title, though, to 'Went Out Shiny Black' or something. The poem is much more about him than you, and the title doesn't show it, I think.
Perhaps you need to write a separate poem about how this made you feel and name that poem 'Alone With Memories'.
i must come off as a woman, but i'm totally a dude. seriously.
I love your poetry, but I was a tad bit shocked to discover that you are a carpet muncher, and here I've been secretely hung up on you, and now me and my mother are just laughing at me, because see you are gay, and I am addicted to under ripe mangos with oedipus complexes so I guess we are even some how in SPACE! ehrr or some where lacking...
Oh no, I meant the poem is nice, it just might be more fulfilling for you if you hadn't told people that it was an acrostic and see if anyone comments.
Excellent resource, thanks. I guess according to them it would be an 'imperfect broken rhyme'. Doesn't sound healthy, but at least it's better than a nuclear detonation.
like the concept--look forward to seeing what you do with it.
>>apocopated rhyme: Rhyming a line end with a penultimate syllable:
A poem should be wordless
As the flight of birds.<<
Good resource re: rhymes here: http://www.public.asu.edu/%7eaarios/form
You rung my bells. Good.
I would come up with a more repugnantly digestive phrase for 'rendered moot'. Also I would delete the 'food for some other living entity' line. Some buffing here and there and I would be proud to call it my baby.
We do grow some good shit here every now and then, though, you have to admit.
-=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.
replying on Untitled (A Dark Angel Litmus) by Geschäftsreise
23 Sep 2003, 6:08 PM
Oh yes. I'd forgotten why they were called 'eye rhymes'. Why not just call them pseudorhymes?
Not exactly. They do sound similar, and they aren't spelled similarly and wouldn't come near to passing an 'eye' test.
-=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.
replying on Untitled (A Dark Angel Litmus) by Geschäftsreise
23 Sep 2003, 5:12 PM
'Eye rhyme'