electroman1979
on Sugar Daddy (Free Curse) by Pystal Cocaine swifter than You. by Bachus
2 Sep 2003, 10:14 PM
dude, you suck, that poem isn't even worth rating
great poem, i like it
- The forked tongue is from licking his blade
- "for the other [hand]... its dignity and honor as false..."
- The act the hand commits is betrayal.
- Also, read "The Depreciated Legacy of Cervantes".
As for the false face of romance, that is meant to be cleared up in stanza 3. The heart of my poem is stanza three and I absolutely think it is one of the best lines I've ever written
(predicts the 'which is not saying much' comment)
This is one of those things where if you see where I'm coming from the entire poem is clear and subtle. Please please please if you could humour me I honestly believe that this poem is worthwhile (if somewhat viscous). Please give it some time.
the outside knowledge necessary here:
- Miguel Cervantes wrote 'Don Quixote'
- Don Quixote is the embodiment of romance
is a knowledge of cervantes necessary to this revelation?
i have none, sir, but i will look again in the morning, hopefully with a clearer mind.
I changed 'his' to 'its' in S2 ('its dignity' is more correct than 'his dignity). Also I felt like this poem is worth so much more than people have realized and I was hoping that at least one person would catch it.
Fair enough, but your comment implies that you see no value in it. Do you understand what I'm saying?
but you came? and i agree with hh about the inversion.
what has changed?
I like this, Intransit. How about "his hair matted and gray" instead of inverting it--the rest of this is so straightforward that that line seems forced. Also, might want to make it a comma after "Jesus"--right now that dangly modifier means his hair has its face in hands.
Maybe it's because I haven't read Cervantes in a million years, but I don't get this. Why does the Don have a forked tongue? What was the act that no author can leave unpunished? The head's dignity & honor? (Are we looking at a bust? a statue?) Why is romance's face false to its nature--and what is its nature?
Broad strokes but no defining features. What are you trying to say?
And Cervantes is famous to this day, so how did he "surrender his quill to oblivion"?
The quality of the poem isn't that great. The feeling seems to be there, but I'm not sure you're feeling what you're saying, WHEN you're saying it.
As for electroman1979s comment, puke on you bible thumper.
I can't believe anyone would give it a ten.
hmm, interesting point on the love being queer part. I think I'll keep it though. It's more of an exclamation to myself. The invitation/interpretation part is not to your liking? Hmm, that's my favorite part. Oh well. Thanks for the 7.
This poem sucked. Both context and quality. Bleh.
*catchy
*catchy
bleh...cliche' without the cathy tune.
sweat so sweet that sour seems discreet... yum
(a 7 for finding your way into my closet)
'I love being queer' leaks momentum, however. We can tell you like it without you telling us.
For some reason I'm not fond of the invitation/interpretation bit as well.
I like this. Very nice