no. not a buuterfly. god no.

put it asll together, tighter. again, get rid of the extra baggage. say what you mean, and less.

bill there are still too many extra words. e.g., what could the bra be _but_ discarded.? etc. cut it down, because it's raw. it's pittsburgh, baby. seared outside, raw, in.

is the last scene deleted, bill? because it feels really, really real.

hey this is really, really good - maybe coz im stoned it seems to really speak to me wow a 9.

Your poem is as empty as your wit (in that you couldn't imagine where to properly place it). Confessor

Ok first I love the 3rd line, not sure why yet but it has something to do with sound. I see beauty in imperfection as well so we become members of different camps at line 2, not good. Then it just pretty much falls apart. "CAUSE" is not a word. Also that last line is just Lauren Bacall in Key Largo.

Congratulations, the love you feel is the truest of all poetry. Re-work the last line. You jump from skin to heart, there must be a better segue.

Always funny and concise.

Nice sentiment, terrible poem.

mmmmm...poon tang. A wonderful flowing description of the girl that is intermingled with the act itself. They are one and the same. Excellent, it read smoothly.

That wasn't very nice. Not very nice at all, but today, I will have you know, I am killing a ballerina with a Sestina, and my friend it will be murder. Did you know that I can write fantastic poetry in every style both handed? While you however are pretending that your on a Harley Davidson of poetry when in fact you're still on that old 1979 Schwinn's hot red bannana seat flicking your tassels and toeing your reflectors. Tsk. Do not fool with murder young man until you have at least written twent to thirty vilanelles, odes and the occasional limmerick haiku concrete lyric. It's immature and does not make you look good in a dress.

I like your imagery. I like how it appeals to several of the senses.

skimming the surface, using the same old metaphors, roses, ice cream.. continue to dream, my sleeping beauty, till you find that your living a nightmare.. strike out motherfucker, be original.. or atleast put a new twist to old shit..