Caducus
on Sparkling Rust by SupremeDreamer
13 Aug 2003, 6:02 AM
The title's shit though.
Excellent job its not pretentious, and I think its very poignant (especially the end, so sudden and final). Line one is also quite a beautiful thought, a mental ocean, that one line spawns so many thoughts like clams, drowning in yourself, being consumed, blue etc,
This is raw and lingers, I have e0mailed it to my inbox (as i write so many death/angst poems take this a compliment) 10
A mixed bag here. Its heartfelt and easy to relate too but it offers little imagination for such a saturated theme thats been done 1000s of times. I actually did like this though, not all poems need to be perfect, this says what it needs too with clarity and basic expression ....7
Last 6 lines were the most vivid but the opening is too gay and sugary for a depressive like me 6
Why not imply the musician plays her emotions as well as his instrument, she being the instrument of lust. Most musicians shag non-stop. the line 'she dances along to the beat' is too basic, this is one possibility that impulsively came to me ..she glides like pollen in to a thorn' (so she's dancing in to trouble, in to pain because he will hurt her) and finally name the damn instrument as they say so much, you got the sultry sax, the sad violin, the reverberating cello? which instrument is it? maybe link it to the woman who loves him.
Its not bad as it is but it could be as dark angel would put it----------ACE 6
Ha! i like it, if only because i'm still laughing.
i enojoy the amount of anxiety and the kind of tumbling of words that seems to come from having no breaks.
Lyric?
Love the title and the repetition of it works well in contrast with the poem. Some good stuff today on here 8
supreme. i like the feeling in it.the imagery is so vivid.
question:i have asked a few people to look at the last two in my list,would you too?
I like it.Very symbolic.
question:any chance you could look and review mine, the last two on my list?
Sounds like you need a vacation.
i hate that song
i detest it haha
oh wow the first part
blew me away
Ah, another Mainah, that explains why it depresses you. I love winter because I'm not native to Maine. I grew up with scandalously warm winters, in a city 4 times bigger than Portland with maybe 3 snowplows for the city. If it snowed 3 inches, we'd be out of school for a week.
I don't feel like I am trying to justify the sex- you might have noticed that I don't care about societal constructs of morality. beauty, taboo, etc. I gave the background in alternating stanzas so that you could see the affair building up just as the bus was breaking down.
If I were at home, I would be calling my "fellow passengers" my "fellow proletarians, who are gonna rise up and start a revolution"- I am very into this "fellow"ship of poor people (see "Performer" in archives- a completely TRUE story not unlike "my fellow passengers broke out in song").
God's wife, is it really so unsalvageable in its present form? Would it help the raunchiness if she packed the "Morning After" pill? Damn, this poem is driving me crazy. I felt sure you'd have a few quick fix suggestions!
Well, I have had all of these experiences in isolation, but I stuffed them together into one story. I know it is unsexy, but I kind of wanted it to be because the point is a consciously pre-meditated affair just has to be unsexy. It is harder to justify this kind of affair, where the participants knew they were going to all of this trouble just for a fuck, rather than having their passion catch them unawares and overpower their goodness. That is why the affair couldn't happen, the bus had to break down, it just could never be what they wanted it to be.
Well, it is all of the above, that is why she is resigned to her fate of not going when it happens. She isn't one emotion, she's completely ambivalent.
Seems incomplete, and a little redundant. What else about the musician and her? Tell her those calloused guitar player hands have "compromised" qualities in the sack.
Yeah, you're a nerd. "Bandgeek" wipes his poo-less ass with guys like you. It is kind of like Ben Fold's "Rockin the Suburbs"- he's one angry dwarf.