basit_i
on trying to cross the border to Sweetgrass by Patsy
13 Aug 2003, 3:02 PM
the first half, especially, resonates.
hrm. for some reason, i liked "unburden" much better. the last line is more *you*, i think, than most of the rest.
Very ... now? present? here? not quite sure *what*, exactly, but it's there. In general, alive.
no "pretenses", at any rate.
Stop watching Anna Nicole Smith your obsessed man !
As for the boobs, well summer and men seem to come and go quicker than a posh wank 9
You crack me up.
It's good for you.
The well is dry.
Yet, buckets keep coming.
Falling into that blackhole.
Wishes & drowning shimmering coins.
Aged leaders weighing me down.
Distant circles of light.
But miry walls keep me trapped.
There was a ladder.
But I've long since hit bottom."
Thank you, I did an edit for you too. feel free to pick and choose from any components i've modifeid or introduced. I am very flattered as always, and am your friend.
There is no joy greater than owning a pet parakeet.
Just one. More obos and less fodder.
"precursor of death, self condemnation" "of" could be 'to'or 'for'.
"those whom choose an other path" "an" could 'the'.
"and the prostitute you have all ways been" 'always' would work better. Although. I do think that was a rather creative way of saying it also.
Thanks for the suggestions, they're fab!
Layered and well executed 9
fucking hilarious
reminds me of a Neil Young song and yes, you get the point across of how we're just a number, metric and disposable.
Lose the brackets you don't need them, leave that for the reader to decide. 7
Too much use of the word shit in stanza 3, otherwise its a grilled goose.
why dont more people read your stuff? its better than the pinkbunnys!! (o:
Not sure about the Gaelic expreessions it deprived me of knowing the ending. I would stick to the same formula as the end of a poem is of utmost importance to understand and call me a vacuous poppinjay but I never.
The rhythm upto that point is dandy 7
First of all I want to tell you I respect you a great deal, for holdding to your beliefs, for having the self-esteem and self-awareness to take whatever critism comes you're way with an incredible amount of humor and class.
Don't make the poem unsexy, even if in the end you come to the revelation that a good fuck isn't worht all the turmoil and guilt. "It's harder to justify this kind of affair" vs. being caught up in passion? Neither has nor needs a justification. They just are. Our inner life is so complicated we do many things we cannot later explain, we shouldn't pass judgement, I think. Try writing it completely bare-boned and see what it look likes. Got to go I'll be back in a few.
Bad spell day for me by the looks of it.
Get rid of all the melodrama and write it what it she did and your reaction. I don't want to sound like a balding, cock scratchin ghead master but this poem could be done in about 6 lines it just drones on and on blah blah blah. All you need to do is condense and edit, some potential but all this bitch craps gottta go. I've read a few of yours and this for you is average.
Enjoyable but the titles so paisley.