Nicholas Jones
replying on Dialogism by Nicholas Jones
14 Aug 2003, 3:39 AM
You're too kind, Mr.8.
Thnak you for your very nice comments. I'm glad you like it, and I agree the key to a good sonnet is for the sentences to flow over the lines. As for the extra beats, yes, guilty as charged. I'm not certain it matters all that much, I'm not a stickler for the rules. And the couplet sort of rhymes, in a very vague way. I'd rather have a half-rhyme at the end than a full rhyme that feels forced.
Very nice
Actually its quite hard but i think maybe' Drifting' but as I've read the last but 3rd stanza again I can see where you got the title from, just remember the main point of the poem is death, so keep the title real.
Drifting
Taken
or even The Crossing something like those.
that is concern with man's innersied
that is realate to the nothingness
that is when beauty fall down
and death comes
it is where i become ready to different man in different life for thousand times
and it is a pace to the path of life where man still has conflict with himself
Certainly better than blue-mountain, but not quite the chorus to Henry V:
"O, pardon! since a crooked figure may
Attest in little place a million;
And let us, ciphers to this great accompt,
On your imaginary forces work."
God's wife, thanks for all of your thinking on this sad poem. I will take it back in and try to nourish it to health with your feedback. That height sick thing was added recently to try to point out that the Hudson and the Sagadahoc are rivers, because INTRANSIT thought they were counties, and thus commented on the unlikelihood of the route this poem's Greyhound took through Connecticut. I will take it back out. But I do hate to go over a bridge when I can see over the rails. Thanks G's Wife, you are so good to me!
I think that is beautiful, seriously.
I like the repition of "under a".
I loved these lines.
"i see the fresh PALM Pilots dashed whole
from the Rock, i
try not to look
where they pile up."
http://mulberryfairy
on The Lordy only knows why tornados have no nose by Bachus
13 Aug 2003, 8:03 PM
Why would anyone need 2 games of twister? I hate Twister, I always end up with my hand next to some kid's sweaty socked foot.
Use some word other than "precious" 2x.
I would paranthesize "(not his birthday)".
I hope your friend's bird-day was happy.
This is the ultimate betrayal, now that I know and love you I find that you just want to sever my quivering boob? (and why just one?) I, too, have this interest in breasts, but have directed it to a healthier outlet. (that is right, I am a lactation consultant)
Thanks, what do you suggest for a title?
But I can't see the forest for those analytical trees. Stop explaining, just tell. Either I get it, or I don't, but don't spoil the poetry/insight with (for lack of a better word)sub-titles. Funny, every time I want to explain myself to you I start speaking in personal little analogies and it just comes out muttled. It must be a sign.
Let me think.
In the eleventh stanza, you create this fabulous rythm in the first 3 lines;
The BUS was the BEST...
NiiiiiinTee dollars, RUOOOOOOUUUND trip.
From the Sagadahoc to the Hudson(great sounding line, really top-notch, and it's the Title, perfect)
and suddenly I'm dumped into the cold river of
I'd have to cover my height sick eyes.
First of all, what is, and why, a Heightsick? It's an obscure image/reference, but most importantly, it's an ugly-sounding word. Find a substitiute, get back in the flow.
Stanza 12, you don't need the word "then" at the beginning. At this point you're reminding yourself of the details, but the audience is distracted by unimportant things, like the word "then", it explains to YOU a sequence, but to the reader it just bores him, breaks up the rythm... well theres just no charm to it. Maybe that's just a personal thing.
I'm glad you think the bus just absolutely had to breakdown. Now think about why she couldn't stop it herself? Why did fate have to intervene? One reason maybe because sex is a force of its own. Now explain that to me, how the bus saved her because she would never be able to save herself. the thing is, you have to tell me the truth, your very own truth.
There is no quick fix here. You are old enough and experienced enough, good mother, to really explore. But on your boots and pack your knife, confront the fucking beautiful tragic reality of being human. It may take time, but you'll come back intact, and ready to tell me a story.
GODNO! sir, i have not snickered since umm, well, for a while while, while. since the last time Wile E. Coyote last won.
mulberry is right with what they said. It does need a little work. I can't judge much though due to all my working sucking as of late. I can understand everything you're saying to well. I just got out of a relationship a few months ago that was just like what you wrote about. Felt the same way. -9- (Only because it brought back the memories I had once felt)
i "like".