http://mulberryfairy
on midnight, on a weekday by peaceseeker
12 Aug 2003, 7:55 PM
I liked this part "I smoke, water resistant
to your proposals to enter me and live
your desire for a baby is transparent"
but think it could use some punctuation or a line break (contrary to my last comment on your other poem) to make these (and others) distinct, separate phrases.
I like the way this bursts out, without any interrupting line breaks or unneccesary punctuation, like you said it all in one breath.
I want you to melt down and stop trying.. i want you to start WRITING... from the soul mother fucker, not that crap, cmon now, a poet doesnt force it out, a poet lets it flow freely like a river.
im gonna push till that dam breaks and all that poetical juice floods out.
Gee, should I be flattered or mad?
they this is written I get the feeling you are trying to justify the reasons for your actions. The reason is the justification. I see a hint of that insight. The impulse of sex, the satisfying drama of a real good fuck, is one form love takes. Our culture deems it immoral.
I think it's important to wonder at your own brashness, your overtly erotic life. Slash away at the lies about sex and loving, but lines like
...oral possibilities...
...regretful announcement...I mean these same lines are in a poem about sexual objectification, and exploits of the nasty kind. These lines are too shy and nerdy for this poem. Don't be shy, just write it.
"Fellow passengers"???????? Do you speak this way to your friends or at home?
"And then, my fellow passengers broke out in song"
arduous potholes which jolt the bus(this line sounds convoluted)
Emotions are important, aren't they? If the youth of today had to have a single role model, to the exclusion of all others, who would you choose out of Mother Teresa, Rolf Harris, The Queen Mother, Mother Teresa II, or Mother Teresa with an assistant?
A good effort but it doesn't rhyme very well. Keep working at it, though! You'll get there!
I think your emotions need to be clarified - are you nostalgic, horny, guilty, I can't relate to what you're feeling unless I know what emotions you're experiencing. Or is that the whole point? The confusion? No judgement meant to your situation, but, if you're bored or unsatified in your relationship, don't think that cheating will help the sitution!
-like "slabs lay scattered, defeated"; like reference to "childself," although could use more explanation; this poem depresses me a little bit, however, when it's over I want more - say more about the warmer tide fighting to escape from under the ice - the last two lines seem to get smothered under the "layers of ice."
You really want to see my brain smoke don't you? My poetry as of late has been crap... very forced. Haven't had a clear mind on life so should stop writing till I get everything figured out. Hmmm I'll try to think of something better for my next poem... hopefully I won't have to force to write it. Thanks for the support/push Dreamer.
I think if you called it, A Letter to Hustler Magazine, it would work. A comburesome poem. If this really happened then try to write with the erotizism you felt. If you made this up then ditch it intil you have a real lowdown nasty experience then take that nasty feeling and write with it, because right now it's too long and unsexy.
I wrote this for my best friend on her 18th birthday.
Could use a little more description and fewer of these undefineable constructs. Like, give an example of the suspicious partner's reaction to the narrator talking to someone else, rather than "And you class infidelity as even talking to someone,
Do you think Iâd just fuck the first girl whoâd pout," Instead of asking the partner that question, say what the partner WOULD think, in the narrator's opinion.
That was good. I knew it was a bathroom at first, because of the word "relieve"- but then I thought maybe it was someone going to confession. I don't know if you did that on purpose, but confession/public restroom ambiguity works for me.
Nice revisions. I like the travelling of the paper much more than the original. Made it seem like a different poem.
An enjoyable read. Didn't get if you misspelled destroy on purpose, or if "distroy" means something else? I don't think destroy, if that is what you intended, is needed in the second line- why wouldn't Lucifer be more specific?
http://mulberryfairy
on (getting used to spending too much time with myself) by Patsy
12 Aug 2003, 9:53 AM
I liked it.
This is the kind of end of the day meditation that my co-workers would love and make copies of and pass around the office. Didn't work as well as a poem, for me.
Line 3 should say "every way"
3 lines up from the bottom should say "your heart"
This was a good idea, but could use improvement- I would take all of the heart and love references out and make it less obvious that you are talking about dating/love. You should make the chess pieces move with verbs that also have sexual connotations.
Yes, very nice. You did a great job of showing how the narrator wasn't allowing herself to be just a victim of his somewhat abusive sex. Powerful.