http://mulberryfairy
on Tingling by INTRANSIT
12 Aug 2003, 9:34 AM
Yeah, that was nice. I thought the images at the beginning were more powerful (the "lifting through a hole in the morning" and the dead bird's wings "marking it's grave
and signaling that its spirit survived the collision" were great) more than the ending with the falling tree frond. Though I can see how you'd keep it that way if that was the order of events in real life. If you like roadkill stories, check out Ode to a Fox, in my archives.
I wouldn't be so sure! I used to work weekends at a gym where they practiced when the weather was inclimate.
Yes, I agree it needs work, and though I know what I'd like to see different, I am currently at a loss for how to make it better. I know it is too much information, but I just can't bear to remove any of the details that seem important to me (a writer with a dangerous predisposition to be wordy) Ideas?
your writing always speaks of a writer of quality (and laziness)
A bit prosaic and lacking.
I like the idea of fog as burning away (like smoke).
Unless you are about to delve deep into philosophy I would leave 'the only thing real' well alone because it just sounds cliched.
OK at least shows signs of wanting to get to grips with the subject
Not sure why the title is parenthesized is it because it is somehow incedental.
I like the lively use of language
'victims of a grape' sounds out of place though
pretty enjoyable read
Would certainly go down well at a rally
what good is chess pieces when i eliminated the board, stole the crown, and then made the kingdom laugh at your face? lol. cmon now, this was one big cliche.. chess.. THINK HARDER!!!!!!!! 4.
yeah, i know. ;) 17 you know, more thoughts concerning fucking and less thoughts about killin. ;P
"ready" or willing?
I don't usually take to such popular images. But, when they're done this well I see just why they are popular in the first place.
This is exactly that combination of vivid and vague that I speak of in "A Brand New Eye".
First haiku I've liked in a while!
I find this to be a little messy for you. But the storytelling shows promise. Judging by your comments here you know just what needs working.
I think this would be WAY stronger if you didn't spoon-feed us the metaphor. Don't underestimate the reader unless you're writing for pre-teens.
I appreciate the concept more than the execution. Up until "How did I live it," works well enough for an introduction. The body of it seems to lack spice.
Although I do like "discovering my powers."
EAger to Offend
on (getting used to spending too much time with myself) by Patsy
11 Aug 2003, 10:24 PM
Maybe it's finally enough...
That first line kicks anus!
sp. "upon" Line 9
I dig this type of thing. Particularly like "ANDRETURNTOWORK" and "...dine on Pluto."
I'll keep an eye out for more of yours.
thanx for that. consider it gone.
I tried to spruce up a few other bland spots in this edit.