DreamerSupreme
replying on The Belgian Bookworm [revised] by DreamerSupreme
7 Aug 2003, 6:34 AM
maybe, but i didnt want to get people confused and thinking my ending was a peon bowing continually to a fallen roman emperor.. i mean metaphor shouldnt take away from the general meaning..
As it is written now, the blue lilac and berry plant (bush? ewww, even typing the word makes me cringe--but I digress) are, syntactically, sitting by the stream, so, yup, needs some work there. Maybe get rid of "hid" for starters, so it's
sitting by the silvered stream of mackeral and pike (lotta fish in that thar stream--btw, it's mackerel, with an e, and I think they're salt water fish)
[and]picking from the still air . . .
. . . fields
the blue lilac and berry (maybe make it a specific type of berry and lose plant altogether?)
[lose "hid?" After all, you can see them, right?] under the trees
could be seen to crane . . .
Something like that? Or not. Not sure I get "put" their life and mine in this context--or, at least, not sure "put" delivers here.
this is sixteen haikus. I think versed haikus are supposed to have some kind of theme running through them.
A good haiku should stand up on its own.
I think the first one does, it is quite good
I am always amazed at all the sad poems on here that employ nursery rhyme verse.
first two verses are your best yet
the rest sounds a bit of a lecture though
DreamerSupreme
replying on Speaking my mind. Brilliant Idea! by thepinkbunnyofdoom
7 Aug 2003, 6:26 AM
"They told me take it back
Stop speaking your mind and how you feel"
you mistaken the physical for the mental
digesting my comment with the literal
comprehension that a monkey does posses
your pink fluffy dress
is soiled from mud stains
it is all that remains
of your furry armor.
cmon man, really, you should think more about what your eyes read.
mmm sounds just like england too. As for the poem it sounds a bit like a political speech. And you can not get more hypocritical than them.
good though
Bachus
replying on Inet. mag. editors R jealous red haired Jews, oh and I'm 29 by horus8
7 Aug 2003, 6:24 AM
Thanks mate, this past year has been pure poetry, and you've been right there with me. One day we'll smoke our pipes and recollect, the best years.
Bachus
replying on Inet. mag. editors R jealous red haired Jews, oh and I'm 29 by horus8
7 Aug 2003, 6:21 AM
When I start living, I'm taking you on the town with me like Frank and Dino at the Sands.
Bachus
replying on Inet. mag. editors R jealous red haired Jews, oh and I'm 29 by horus8
7 Aug 2003, 6:20 AM
Thank you, very kind words, although I'm old and ugly. Well, older, anyway.
If anyone wants to make a helpful comment how about making the change of emphasis from I to the lilac in the middle a bit more seemless
thanks.
You have a talent for sucking at many things.
But it did make me laugh and spit my Coke on to the screen.
Caducus
on Inet. mag. editors R jealous red haired Jews, oh and I'm 29 by horus8
7 Aug 2003, 5:57 AM
H29B HORUS8.
WICKED POEM !
As a committed Christian, I found this piece to be rather lewd and distasteful.
INTRANSIT
on Inet. mag. editors R jealous red haired Jews, oh and I'm 29 by horus8
7 Aug 2003, 5:27 AM
They say living well is the best revenge.
Today is your day bro.
Tonight is your night bro.
Happy 29!!
You have taken a startingly unoriginal theme and made a respectable effort to integrate some originality. 2nd line of S2 was good. 6
What a great idea for a poem. This reminded me of a twisted version of the yuletide 'On the first day of Xmas my truelove said to me. Quite moving and funny, one of those reads that make one feel guilty. I can relate to the paternal ignorance here.
I'm loving your stuff of late.10
(No rows today Mr H) - Happy Birthday 9
You've improved a lot.
lunar
on A parking lot, a smoke, and the pleasure of being alone by thepinkbunnyofdoom
7 Aug 2003, 3:51 AM
hey this is good! x