lol. Happy Birthday Horus, Happy Birthday. -10-

Richa, I was thinking of Stanza one: silvered in pike could work but hatters has a point about the shoals. However it could work if you implied the stream was silvered by pike as the water was shallow thus - dying fish, trapped. You may be able to work with that but it may affect the brevity of the poem.

Nice edit--I like how you pared it down to the essential image. Some nits? Pike are generally solitary (they're very aggressive) and they tend to hide, waiting for prey, so I don't think you would see a stream "silvered in pike." Maybe another freshwater fish--something that shoals?--would work better here. The trombone is disconnected from the rest of the poem now, without the band playing nearby [in our view]. Might something other than a trombone work here--something that works within the scene you've rendered? The devil's in the details! But that's not to take away from what is, at its core, really fine work.

God I'm a tight bastard this so a 10. As Jim Royle would say in a mancunian drawl '9 my arse'

Silvered in pike Damn Damn Damn ! Kudos in abundance and you got it 9

a beautiful piece richa.. well done.

Bagel (Lyric) by Mr. Rick Here I stand, on the edge of a brand new day The sun is shining, brightly leading the payed I breathe in the exhaust, and the air all around me From out of nowhere you finally found me, and we blow dryed together You’re an Bagel, Sent from the promise land You’re an bagel, Made by a Jew's rich hand You’re an bagel, How can it be, That the way I feel about you Is how you feel about me I hear the oven incinerating yeast I smell the scent of your egg, onion, and garlic breaking as the breeze The sound of your roundness calling from the ovens of yor The way my life’s changed, it’s like you waved a magic smore You’re an Bagel, Sent from up above You’re an Bagel, You’re so hot I need a glove You’re an Bagel, How can I remove, The way I feel about you now Is pure like a white dove You pick me up, I feel on top of Jerusalem I want to shout from the top of the wailing wall, that you’re my sweetest bagel halved and toasted Loxed and boasted More precious to me than diamonds and pearls in Antwerp And as the sun sets, and nite starts to call The stars are shining, and I take you to the mall Your hole reflecting, under a child's balloon You should be my wife, with cream cheese on a spoon You’re an bagel, Sent from up above You’re an bagel, So hot I need a glove You’re an bagel, How can this be, That the way I feel about you now Is only because I like to eat And as I close my ovens, and fall gently into sleep Each nite I pray to Jesu, that like me you're deep And I thank Jews, for putting you in my mouth All my dreams have come true, Like a rebel flag down south You’re an Bagel, Sent from up above You’re an Bagel, You’re the one I love You’re an Bagel, How can it really be, That just one day without you could rewrite some Jews history.

Real real good.

sublimely beautiful -10-

good poem and well done for making it so far then!

Did we? At your house? I've never been good with sex really. Probably, the prostitution thing, all that guilt short circuiting my chakras.

You fucked me in the shower once,remember? Then you started acting all mean and distant and I went back to fucking David. Sometimes we're nothing but meat. Good story. I believe the truth is always preferable, and you're so wonderfully blatant with it. It helps me understand myself.

good, if you wanted to redraft it I would suggest making it a bit tighter. There are lots of nice images but there are gaps in between.

ahh.. man thats alot of crappy birthdays.. kinda like my christmas memories with the witch.. 10.