richa
on Are You Experienced? by EAger to Offend
5 Aug 2003, 8:22 AM
nice raw images, I like unharnessed elevator
ghosts do not have skin,
other than that enjoyable enough, ending on a rhyming couplet is quite nice. Although again your 'prison of rage' belongs more in a pimple poem
most of the first two verses are not needed. This works for me as the parable of a child alone.
And your 'empty youth' sounds a little adolescent indulgent
The reign of Henry VIII will always be overshadowed by the Gentlemanly Conduct he so gallantly bestowed upon his ungrateful wives, but what people don't know is that he was actually a pretty good King. You can't really blame him for creating an institution that "fucked religion". I'm fairly sure that the prostitutes were less dogmatic than the catholics, but maybe not. It isn't the church that fucks up religion, or any other form of religious organisation. Religion fucks religion. I know it's awfully trendy to say you don't believe in organised religion but you do have spiritual beliefs (or whatever) but it is the very notion of "religious belief" - believing something without sufficient evidence - that is at the very heart of the "I'll save my best underpants for Sundays" problem. When people start using a book, written thousands of years ago BY MEN, as a basis for the decisions they make, then it is no wonder such people end up thinking and behaving like people did thousands of years ago. No doubt they'll claim it wasn't written BY MEN but by Jesu, through men. But let's face facts: what a complete load of bollocks. You only have to read about a page of Revelations to realise it was probably written by a drugged horse.
Consider it done
richa
on A parking lot, a smoke, and the pleasure of being alone by thepinkbunnyofdoom
5 Aug 2003, 7:58 AM
better when read as a pice of prose. The ending is not snappy enough though
I guess making it a pimple lets you get away with the childish indulgence.
Good, but only because you don't mean it
<~>
on A parking lot, a smoke, and the pleasure of being alone by thepinkbunnyofdoom
5 Aug 2003, 7:35 AM
so, i really enjoyed the parts in between the lines. really.
p.s.--sorry for your loss.
imp, if you worked that into the lines of the poem, the sorrow would cut deeper.
jim! i'm done for! a cosmic thread has warped and wrapped me, worm-and-black holed me...i die, a red dwarf among yellow giants....
<hurl>
birth, or death? or too-rapid decline.
this is the larva of a great one.
"The world is thin as paper," I thought.
"And as fragile as glass."
the paper makes a nice circuit to the intro, but the fragile as glass bit--crap. over-used, maudlin sap.
my complimets on your vividly descriptive second and 3rd stanzas. good work, there.
dude! get a theatrical friend to fake the swells. christ, stay away from that crap. the greezey head may look great, but it feels like arse.
chicks dig tragedy too. write 'an ode for a mate who died, saving me' or something like that....
Cool
Cads taking your advice but hates re-writes (I've just stuck a price tag on his back for some shoes)
Childish but satisfying I know.
Wow...I had a bf named joe, and i hated him very muhc but now i have learned to accept waht he did to me and now we are just friends, this poem is great. Im not only giving it a 10 bcuz i had an ex- named joe but even if i hadent had an ex- named joe i'd still give it a 10 bcuz it has a light to it that i cant explain
God,. i dont even want to begin to comment on this
Z
I will wear this dishonourable crown with pride. I recently attended a student poetry evening filled with train spotters and ugly teens with yellowheads on the brink of explosion. There was a young lad called 'Malcolm Spurgeon' who started crying as he read 'The Destruction Of Me' at the end a posse of girls (who were crying) asked him to write one for them about there experiences. By the end of the night he had snogged the lot of them and thought he was a God at poetry. I must admit to having a soft spot for Malcolm for his sheer incompetence and bravado he had a taste at the big time.
I may enter next week once I have eaten lots of high cholestrol foods to make me look the part, what do you think Z?
shall i go for it?
okay, re-reading, i'm making a suggestion to change the last stanza, again, making it more active, less passive. *also* watch how many commas you use! they really break up a piece. if you can get away without using them,. do so.
Fate in a horizontal line:
The illuminated split of jade through black.
Time, revered by an impervious staff.
They destroy the remnants of her, in sheets.
They make the bed for another,
Leaving me to silence.
there's still something missing, but you'll find it. you'll sharpen your sword if you can manage to cut away the passive voice, cad.