http://mulberryfairy
on Ah ha ah ha by -=Tan_Hand=-
31 Jul 2003, 9:48 AM
I don't think "the pussy was sorry" is enough of a description of what justified the narrator's slap. More detail, too loose, bad rhythm, too sloppy? Haven't you seen the rhyming bumper stickers? "There is not excuse for domestic abuse"
I always thought of JoyLuck's gender as femal (probably because of the book). I mean that as a compliment, by the way.
The lines seem too short to be rhymed in an AABBCCDDEE... scheme. Maybe an ABAB CDCD would work better for these short phrases. Reading it made me think that if you read it aloud you'd be breathless by the first ending. I don't really know what the repetition of the poem adds, either.
"Wrapping can now be used to by migrants" typo there, and here "Ran over four foot women" (unless there were four of these "foot women", instead of a four foot woman). So the narrator is illegally immigrating into Mexico?
I had a stalker ex-girlfriend once, too. It is hard to decide what to do about them, at least you made your decision and stuck to it. 9
Why thanks, I have entered it at poetry.com and think it may win the $60,000 prize. It is my mission in life to pay them $150 for the 'cherrywood vase' that is apparently so heavy I have to bring a friend with me just to carry it home.
Now please excuse me as I have zits to pop .
Nice.
Same thing happened to me when I was 18 'cept my VW wouldn't go faster than 55 downhill with a tailwind.
Loved it! I usually give folks th pinkie. I don't care enough to send the very best.
Get it!
I'm getting quite a lot today
oh I get it you are in jail. Cool idea
I know you wanted a change of scene but this is ridiculous
p.s.--great misspelling in the title!
hahahahah!!! oh, yeah. you nailed it, scitz. bravo.
well, then. come up and see me sometime, sailor. i likes 'em young. rar.
oki doki captain.. ill raise the damned bar then.. yikes.. with horus and you kicking me around ill be a muscle bound sailor..
i don't care if you don't have an 8th grade education. do you think that letters after your name is what makes you a writer? no, i didn't think you did. i'm riding your ass because you can be better. <cracks whip>
and there is no such thing as a perfect beautiful masterpiece. every piece of writing, ever, was omly finished when the writer died. so keep working. and fuck being perfect. it's a lie.
that is all.
testing self-comment.
hey, woah alright, relax.. i can write well, yes, i can, but im not some fucking expert or pro, quite frankly i dont even have a highschool education, my grammar and spelling is shit, and im just starting to write better than my usual teenage angst bullshit. What do you expect? eh? for me to write perfect beautiful masterpieces each time? im WORKING to get to that point man.. im quite happy with my improvement aswell, though i admit, my latest writings are lacking the bang of my usual.. i admit that.
you pissed me off because you were writing some quality stuff, and you've been hacking your way through the last half-dozen ones you've posted. i thought you were rasing the bar, but it feels like you just got lazy. and nothing pisses me off more than somebody who can do something well that doesn't bother to. what a fucking waste.
SupremeDreamer
replying on Deranged Sailor: Sea Sickness [revised] by SupremeDreamer
31 Jul 2003, 8:12 AM
eh. hrmm. nice url.. hey.. that can be very usefull.. maybe this isnt a lashing..
but can i ask, wtf made you suddenly explode and start commenting and voting on all my stuff? was is something i said? its quite sudden.. you been holding back or what?