EAger to Offend
on missing time by Bill Z Bub
13 Jul 2003, 3:25 PM
Well, this is humbling. The first read didn't thrill me but, the imagery brought me back...several times. Now it's "in my head like a song".
I try to give constructive criticism but, there's nothing I can offer that would improve this fine piece.
I humbly solicit your critiques, Mr. 10.
12 oh u wish pleaz dont get mad b/c im good im sowwie ur mad not
dont hate
Lines 3 and 4 fuck up the rythm and rhyme (another w/ forever?), as well as the meaning (what's the dif between seal and fill?).
Elsewise, I liked it. 6
quite, and isn't saying half empty stating that it has been emptied to half its amount. And showing concern for its half emptiness?
Hahahaha, Make your own guesses, As for me I have no doubt what-so-ever who this is. If I didn't already worship them secretly in my closet(Which has been converted into a shine to this noble noble being), I would build one. In cause you can't tell He has taken one of my xanga entires and rewritten it to be Funnier than a Gay Man locked in a sexual paradise for the straight.
I love that kind of incidental, displaced rhyme. "...beneath the weeds/ for what she needs..."
Nice work. My 7 is for establishing a mellow mood without a hint of boredom.
You'll have a little of that from time to time.
very good.
A complete poem gentle 'the vicinity of dreams' is kind of modern too
are you a flaming moron squealing like a stuck pig? you see the words virgin and rape and you already go off on some rant as if i were a cruel and sick person. as for your questions: none of the above you imbecile, read the damned thing again and figure it out, it isnt complicated, just requirs some fucking insight. jesus..
Interesting.
I think it should be
Plugging one gap only to seal(find) another
as it is it doesn't make much sense. On the whole it is a bit repetitive in the second half
Very cool. I have always thought that noone else but I could sympathize with insects.
The stanza refering to roaches as innocent, uncorrupted lives worthy of saving was perfect.
8's Ahoy!
No, It's sad.
Are you suicidal, masochistic, or just pissed off.
quite simple but clear with a few interesting lines
I think to say minds are jailed in madness is not warranted. And if it is you have not argued it
overall pleasant though
I mean doesn't really work
coming back to the bus driver again doesnt relly work.
other than that I liked the bit about interuption of bus ride hush. And the first verse packs a lot of context in
Pretty good read, managed to make a roach interesting to read about. blessed with 9.
I like how human this feels. What do these poems in the "pimple" category have in common? Just wondering.
Thanks for reminding me to wear flip flops in ALL showers from now on.
painful