horus8
on The Alluring Nightmare by Exiled_humanity
23 May 2003, 2:02 AM
Congradulations! You have perfect antiwriting accidentally trying to go 'deep' no doubt. I never thought I'd live to suggest horrible circumstance intervention as a cure, but, go get raped or abandoned as soon as possible and we'll have a controled experiment to see if that indeed is what your writing is missing.
but it is a step above polish glow-in-the-dark sundials
Super! Could you make it third person next edit? Because,I believe it would strengthen your, for shit, grammar, and make the reader even more fucking tired.
The Gregorian calendar only succeeded in killing is quicker, that's for sure.
hmm...seems you are quite right in that fact. the point i was aiming for was for "deeds undone" to reflect the past and "tasks left at hand" to reflect the future, but it is a bit to vague. i'm still working on it, so i'll try and tighten that confusion up next.
Very cerebral. But also vague and unclear to me.
For example:
"a passing
between the deeds undone
and the tasks left at hand"
Aren't the deeds undone also the deeds left to do, or in other words the tasks left at hand? They seem to be the exact same thing.
Sorry, but this is just bad. Insipid and cliche. And it should be "you're precious", not "your precious", unless you're Gollum.
Where is it being published? Christian Women's Daily Affirmations Newsletter? Also, if you're talking about God, you should capitalize Lord.
(I learned SOMEthing in Sunday school)
The Lord above knows that I try not to be mean to the innocent, but this is the wrong "sight" for this kind of simple righteous Christian Inspirational greeting card stuff.
Unless you like to throw bloody meat to the wolves.
I believe it should be:
*flesh's* fee
*Torn* flesh heals
*life's* dirt
That is all. Go on about your business.
Your poems and your comments have something in common. Neither of them make any sense.
Firstly you fucking idiot, this poem was not written about my daughter. It is about my bestfriends daughter who died of SIDS. Secondly if the thought of fucking a 4 year old gets you off, I suggest you not worry about me being sterilized, unlike you who should have your penis removed. On the other hand Tynesha's daddy says feel free to leave your address, as he would love to fuck you up the arse with his size 14 boot. I think I would be right in thinking in every day life you are the person that no-one wants to know. You have very few friends and had a pretty shitty home life. That to me explains why you feel the need to put everyone else's writing down, to make yourself feel better.
If there is something wrong with every line, please feel free to give me an example of how this should have been written. Up until having my poetry posted on this sight I have only ever had one or two bad comments in regards to my writting. I am always open to suggestions from those of you who are perfect writers, who have had at least 1 book published, and those of you who wish to tell me how to right my feelings and thoughts.
If that is the case, then you may want to go back to writing like you did at age ten. This poem has been chosen to be published. Not that I want to sound like a bitch, but it cant be all that bad if other published poets say it is good enough.
I think the third line should have ended with the word "erection".
I like how u repeat setain lines its a sttyle i like to use also
Not Bad
Totally agree with horus8, good chorus and bridge. Some of the verses couldve been better (7)
This must be your weak rejoinder. I wonder, sometimes, about your well being *sigh*. Ah well.
Flatchicks don't skate they get flatter *boink*.
Great song by the way, strong chorus. Firm bridge. The verse could be a bit more descriptive, but then again that would be asking a lot from your mental handicap, wouldn't it.
Nice bridge (8)
This is not concrete. This is concrete;
Hey! Shut up, and cut my grass. (Concrete) by horus8
Mowed for sanity.
A lawn for the first time
in nearly six years. Front and
back, and even the sides. The grass
tending ritual has not changed very much,
but I have. We both needed water when it was
all over. It, more so than I. Is There a noble
meaning behind the act of grooming. It promotes
blooming I'm assuming. I currently have a bloody
hole in my stomach. That statement is telesematic.
Being too analytical apparently does have a down
side. Constantly worrying mentally has begun to
surface physically. Guess that I should have
respected more,
the back seat,
and kept my,
trap shut,
sewed my,
lid shut
Learned
how to
not say
but-but
I can't
<typo>
$grass$
^^^^^^^^
He's swell,
Cracked bell,
It is all water,
from the same well.
What am I afraid of ?
Disease carrying insects.
Twilight zone on DVD in B&W.
unaware of my filthy receptacle.
Who, or what, I can and can't affect.
I am going to take off while I still can.
Being a complacent young man that can "coolit".
With an exquisitely decorated oriental flip fan for
Nero. I wonder how many years will pass by again before I
stumble on another lawn that I'm forced to mow, water, hoe.
Zero.
Fascicle.
Pure-blood.
Topknot.
Carbon 14.
Antiparticle.
Merry-go-round.
Water-table.
Incontrovertable.
Chevalier.
Pretzel.
Suffocate.
Abstractionalist.
<can't you>
<just let>
<some shit>
<not have>
<to always>
<be about>
<god devil>
<cunt cock>
<nice sock>
<just you>
<thank you>
For nothing, but that constantly
evaporated feeling of receding,
and diminishing into something
else that has to do with you. You,
and nothing else. Just you, yes, you.
You, and yours, such wealth smiled
stealth. I want to be you. Tell your
people about you. Mock you! Say
I know you, to tow you, around. I,
your blessed shadow boxer burn out.
Your elbows and knees exfoliated free.
Then you'll see how you are
the only one I see, I see, I see
through your skirt, and flesh
and marrow, I see...
No worth in...
Tommorrow...
Without you...
CUT!
<{And violently rootless my love}>
<{violent 'rootless' my lo-}>
<{-lent 'rootless' my}>
<{rootlessness'}>
<{rootofmy}>
<{ego}>
---
Yes it is. All beautiful and meaningful poetry starts with "I..." where "..." is replaced with something like "feel", "wonder", "hope", "believe", "cry", "sing", "reach" or "pretend".