-=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.
on lost (short) by sir_heff
7 May 2003, 8:52 AM
a bit short
I really liked this. Esp. the 3rd and 4th line.
Wow! a very evocative poem. One of the best I have read on this site.
its ok...save the criticism for when i'm done. i was trying to finish it before i passed out on the keyboard but couldn't quite make it, and my laziness prompted me to submit instead of open notepad and save it. i'll try and finish it within the next couple days
add more what? heff perhaps? yes, bring more heff to your poem sir! farGHHHHHHHHHH! arrrdghhhhhhh. just now there was a triple homocide 5 mile from everyone, everywhere, and know one knows it yet. cool.
Are you going to tell me, honestly, that 'that' place does not truly & pathetically represent everything that you and I detest about this planet currently? hmmmmm? I hope not, because, I'm planning on opening up big black magic on Cancun with my left hand one day soon. It will be back to a sharks playground, soon enough. All of those boobies and std's coupled by bad food? please. COME ON WHO'S WITH ME! (I'm just pissed because trailer kid's only get to go to Mazatlan) shame really, all of that pot senselessly smoked... Ass sex... goldenshowers... fisting... coleslaw....fine hinas, rookas, saske homie. chalez. (The other day, it was funny, at this drug spot, i was coppin' and this chicano dealer was like [after eye balling me for ten minutes] he goes "hey man...You know what you need essay?" i just smiled, and was thinking, "well, yeah, my fucking drugs?" "but i didn't say anything, and he goes "you need motherfucking jesus?" swear to god. how funny is that?. this guy is selling me hardcore narcotics, and he's like "mother fucking jesus" I could only just stare at me foot though. funny. life sometimes, huh.
then what is a trip off ecstacy? My world is one big fucking fall. I don't know where it all started the only thing I cna think of as real is that I was born. That's just about the only thing I know. Like how do I know this chair is a chair unless I look at it?
its ok, nothing wrong with it but u could add more
hmm its different, there is something here i like but i'm not sure what it is, -6-
I lost my body, in the sands of time.
Lost my mind, to the sound of this rhyme.
lost everybody, everyone I know.
I lost everybody, that's why I'm alone.
Quite enjoyable, it was no gangbus though. Gangbus, I feel is the comic relief of the future. It could save the planet.
This was very inventive and like I said, very funny.
This is a bit creepy, almost like a depressing nursery rhyme
Confessional as always (if not of you of a character you created) but sharp enough to withstand it
Quite angry, full of feeling
One criticism : little to anchor the poem to something concrete (pretty rich coming from me!)
Pretty mental, I like the ending very beatish
The use of tits, niggers, aids is perhaps a bit evocative by numbers though
It's a radio show. I would strongly urge you to listen to the whole thing. Then listen to all the others:
http://cabinessence.cream.org/
Is it only audio? because i wanted to see what i was hearing.
If you find rape amusing, I strongly suggest you download the following:
http://cabinessence.cream.org/BJ3-5a.zip
-=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.
replying on News Values (some time last November) by Nicholas Jones
6 May 2003, 8:37 AM
I know. That's why I asked if you were related.
He was your father, wasn't he?