lastobelus
replying on Maud, After the Death of her Daughter Lynn by middenHeap
14 Mar 2003, 9:21 AM
thanks, "compiled cleverly" from you is a nice pat on the back because your own writing is so tight.
the reason I reject this pome is because I didn't find anything real or raw. I was just playing with a rhyming dictionary, following the words.
2nd line (in parentheses) is redundant with the title.
also, I suggest cutting "Some kind of" to strengthen the image of forgotten flags--and then ask yourself if the last two lines are truly needed for the meaning of the poem...
a valiant effort...you have a good grasp on imagery and "fresh" language.
I believe that you could tie in the crumbling of crackers with the sand sifting.... just a thought. Other than that, I would suggest that you tighten tha language a little bit...Powerful images and overall well done. 8
lastobelus
replying on Maud, After the Death of her Daughter Lynn by middenHeap
14 Mar 2003, 9:12 AM
well, "When over the cradle she cooed" scans. Maybe even adds content because it creates ambiguity about which woman is cooing over which cradle.
But regardless of how tight I get the meter and rhyme it's a lost cause because there's nothing real or raw in there.
It was just a drill.
Zombiethon, this satisfied the george A romero side of me and for that i'm tossing you 8 severed heads
Not believing in absoluteness of sin, I have no need for a scapegoat.
Sweet and innocence shines through, originalty does not. However that will come with experience and practice. As a teen I forced myself to write which was in retrospect a mistake. However you may use parts of this poem as a theme for another poem later in life, keep writing: 6 :-)
Its A daisy !
It reads more like a lyric though.
Still an engaging piece of writing, compiled cleverly.
Whoa your pens smoking of late
Good execution of the subject.
If by "agree" you mean "tolerate", then you'd be wrong. Unless, by "tolerate", you mean "toilet rate". In which case, it depends what you mean by "toilet". If you mean "a small amount of toil" then you'd be right. If you mean "a porcelain graveyard for bloated globules of jellied cack" then you'd also be right. But what does it really mean to be "right"? Because in today's happy-go-lucky society, in which truth is only relative, and disabled rights are merely a secondary issue, isn't everybody right? Christ, I hope so. I do hope so.
And where does Jesu fit in to your revolting little scheme of things? I'll tell you: He doesn't. If that isn't proof enough of the utter wrongness and unbelievable ignorance of your dangerously wrong and ignorant opinions then I don't know what is.
metrify yourself.
form to follow function. this will help.
zacklee
you are mean because you are hard as a sock. and, really, haven't you been tugging off for much longer than that full year?
i noticed that stocks in moisturizing avocado "hand" creme have skyrocketed in the u.k.
huzzah!
I can understand that. something like the way a boy needs toys to play with.
sorry, must limerick:
Elizabethan elizabethann
was recently told by her man
to doll herself up
(christ, what a schmuck)
But she's not really sure that she can.
that one's in the works, just for you, o mysterious one.
who says i'm not? a girl needs a hobby, luv.
lastobelus
replying on All Meta-Verse Shall be Deleted, it is Poison by middenHeap
14 Mar 2003, 6:52 AM
I'm not sure I follow, a test of what? A test to see if people like it? You can like it if you want, I like it myself, I just have a rule that I don't waste too much time with reflexive poetry because it's a black hole I have trouble climbing out of. So it goes in my garbage can with a self-mocking title.