brokenwing
on For Brianna by MaliqaTara
30 Jan 2003, 7:55 PM
Quite emmotional, I appreciate all that you conveyed in it..
Liked it, has promise....
Wha? Er, okay. Besides the first line, which I'm having troubles with, I believe this to be one of my best. Now you've made me doubt. I'm horribly insecure about my writing. Sad.
Thanx for the comments, I like to write thats what i do best(in my eyes anyway). I just wanted to put this poem in and get feedback for all the positive and negative aspects. I'm open to suggestions and appreciate the fact that you took time out to read it and comment.
Thankya. I'm still struggling with the opening line to this one. I am going to change it soon.
Right on! And don't forget
"the attached disclosure."
That would be funny. Let's invent labels for illegal drugs. Obviously we'll target the dealer's market in bulk quantity's..
our sale pitch will be <stick a note dope, why leave yourself a note that's already there> yes YES! I CAN SEE IT ALL
NOW! different colors, textures, scratch and sniff ahhhhhhhhshah big type, little type, lsd friendly labels...anti
paraNOIAAA LABELS SWEET JESUS MAKE THE VOICES GO AWAY!!!!!!!! we could make labels that beep with a
remote device like an avalanche victim or car alarm..you could entertain your friends with it like "hey watch this
guys...lets see where i hid my dope last night"...and you would press the button and a voice would emit from the box
of kleenex and say addict addict over over and everyone would laugh..you could make it chirp..or bart simpsons
voice..it could tell jokes we COULD MAKE LABELS THAT SELL THE DRUGS FOR YOU, WHILE
CONTRADICTING THEMSELVES WITH SURGEON GENERAL WARNINGS AND LEGAL stipulations..shit we
could just fucking make the labels out of drugs then just label the people when they reach the age of twelve...cvhirp
smirp bur burp bur tickity dert sery top in frucker <sorry we interupt our show to bring you an enlightening yet
pointless fool proof ad [buy nikes..or else they'll by you] {tv implodes everyone claps, angels queef in siccinct
orchestral melodies...yet i once again turn and depart unfuckingsatisfied} thanks god, for a nation of finks where
nobody has any privacy or can mind there own fucking business...and the words to describe to my three year old son
what a gun is. aint that kool. pause for effect. whatever./i told him only if they're green and see through i guess i still
have a week until they invent that..shit bachus already did..also this comment is brought to you by 'depends' the only
way to hide an embarassing moment why? well that depends. d
Fix the question mark situation, and don't start your sentences off with but, and or of. Unless you are damn good.
Sounds like a dangerous dude. Those
mushrooms jusr don't mix with boose. He shoulda read the warning label. A solid 8.
Noooooooooo!Who told you i was a bootom? i'll sue the bastards for defamation of character. Any way no one can say for sure if that's my face. it's a bit too contorted to tell. lol.
I hate to do this to you. For some reason it feels like it's about some one who died. still has that sexy edge you want but it's carrying extra baggage.
Oh dear my life is sad
Well obviously i sensed telepathically that u would join this site so i decided to include u on my desk!
Absolutely Splendid! You're awfully pushy for a bottom, though. you know what impertinence means....To the rack! you can take this 10 with you, though.
Mmm..soy lattes.
I gathered that.
It is Brit Poppers and Cad is not apart of them. You, on the other hand, are.
you got me all heated up with a strong start...and then, well, nothing. you lost me at ac/dc. you lost 'it' then too.
do over.
Hey, let's get all the brit pack to sign here! I think I know at least half of them at college!
Any suggestions for the poem as per which lines are good and which are bad?
as you have you have noted i am one to get lost in the haste of the momment so i'll be egarly waiting fo it to to be posted.