Another Bobjim?!?!
replying on I Can Write A Wrong, But I Can't Right A Poem by horus8
31 Dec 2002, 7:55 PM
Your delusional.
Try to crisp this up a bit by trimming the fat. I'm also a little lost on the form--are you trying to be a writer or a poet?
Regardless, you have a talent with words.
There is a lot more in this that needs to be brought out. You've come on the idea of man and his role with nature, as providor and as his own master. Lots to swallow, but somewhere in these is the essence of what you were after.
Nice. Caught all the images solid. There is so much to be said about letting a verse hang out there, letting others take from it what they may.
In this case, what the words meant to you also carried with me.
An appropriate title, as the anon voters haven't banished you from the top. Yet. Excellent, 10!
So?
DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING PUBLISHED YET? A COUPLE OF YOUR WORKS I WOULD WANT TO READ IN A BOOK SOMEWHERE.
Dude, this is seriously good. I have something about a building that has yet to go past scrbbled notes. Thank you for the inspiration.
this flows real nice. You have a very powerful image here, call it a concept as well. At times, I was wishing to grasp that concept much more, taste it a little stronger, but I got lost in flow.
Still, excellent stuff.
actually now that I look at it again, it's the second stanza, not the first, which I like so much,... the first is good, too, though. I'm such a 'wuss'.
I really like the first stanza, very witty use of words. I'm probably not qualified to comment to much on the direction of the meaning or the choices you've made, but I enjoyed it, though somehow it seems to be missing something.
Interesting; I like the last line, especially.
The ending is a bit abrupt, I'm guilty of that kinda' thing myself. I like it, it's very thought inspiring, and very near profound, and it flows well. A nice use of words.
Dear nentwtined, thank you for reading Maria. I have posted a detailed reply to another critic who agrees with you. (Another one doesn't at all). Please check it out and thanks for commenting. Nicholas
NB. I understand that quiemada is vile but untterly potent. A bit like absinthe, I suppose.
Thank you. And you are right Whom is the correct grammar. Princess should have been followed by an exclamation mark to set up better the next verse. Also I am glad you like the imagery. Amongst my best. If you like this poem, check out my sonnet, Cecelia. I would be interested to see your response.
My reservation about the verse beginning "Then I first.." is with the word "espied". It is too close to "despised". Also there should have been an exclamation mark after princess. This better sets up the next verse. I am sorry that these verses don't work for you. The second is, I think, one of the best I have ever written.
I am glad it achieved a stirring effect. When read aloud (slowly) it works even better. Its debut led the congregation at the wedding of my muse and I to roar though I hope this wasn't with relief that the poem had ended. See a comment below about whom from another contributor. It may not work well to your ear but it is correct grammar. Please experiment with a grammatical alternative and post it if you find one.
What do I do, huh? Well, I bum around quite a bit, write a bit,
take a few psychedelics, and think of revolution,...ssshhh..
don't tell anyone though; I like ubiquitous, but very quiet
revolutions, full of subtle melodrama, thoughtful overtures,
and lots and lots of daymare dream demons. Thanks for the ten.