god'swife
on Splendid Discovery by blkarakagain
22 Dec 2002, 11:22 AM
This is dreadfully over the top. What ever beauty may be here is lost among the gawdy weeds. "More vibrant than the cascadings hues of dementia"?! What the...? Vibrant dementia? Cascading dementia? Hues of dementia? At this point it seems you just love to hear yourself talk. "Unchecked by the plague of human frailty"? Unchecked by sense you mean. And it's not even finished you have accomplished saying abosulety nothing in more words then I thought possible. I met a girl she was beuatiful, we slept together and I got scared. I ran away I hope she comes to me because I don't have the balls to go back to her. Spit it out already, it seems to have poisoned you.
Nice.
Awesome!
let this prat be me.
this is the age of Horus! not the star children play patty cake. this piece suprised me...going into it, because of the title, i wanted so badly to hate it, than i did, but it's not bad for a first draft.
"I want to cheer up you", don't fucking bother, my hatred keeps me sharp, and built for war, as for you? i pray they find you with their brick bats soon.
good sentiment,amen
Excellent!
Interesting. I liked the bit about the cell phone.
Damn it, it didn't work.
Dear God. I would give this a zero but that would risk you replacing Blade at the bottom. Instead I think I shall give it a ten, which will hopefully lift you out of the bottom fifteen so we NEVER HAVE TO SEE THIS PILE OF SHITE AGAIN!
And breathe.
This is good, very good. 10
Ah yes, possibly the best work today...have a nine.
Outstanding! How long have you played cello for? I've been going about nine years (and I'm still crap!) It's the most beautiful instrument in the world as far as I'm concerned-well, with the possible exception of the harp.
Do you have a group? I'm currently writing a string section to one of my group's songs, hopefully people will take notice of it.
Thanks for the comments everybody! Merry Christmas!
Thanks. I agree it's a sudden change. I'm definately not finished revising this one, so all comments are welcome. I like the last strophe too much to cut it. Maybe cut or modify the preceding lines... or add a segue?
Hoom Humm Hoom...
Wow, I really like this. I know the point of the "wake up" bit and that following it was to suddenly change the mood but it's too harsh a change to me. I think this poem should be ended at "you're late." *shrugs* just me...
nope. sorry. you were correct: your
heart has been turned to the color of nightfall.
um, weren't you already "skin, bone, flesh and blood"? or did i miss something?
yeah. good idea. make love not war. why can't we all just get along? buck up, little camper, every cloud has a silver lining. here, have one point for each unoriginal stanza.
although this sounds like a pleasant diversion, i'll pass.