ecargo
on Pretty Skin Deep by confuzdlilgirl
3 Dec 2002, 3:52 PM
Great title for a punk rock song--Why not play with it--"pretty skin deep," word sounds, word play, stream of consciousness, and see what happens when you don't concentrate on rhymes and telling a tale.
3rd stanza should be fixed...it might be better.."what?....what are you thinking?" same with third sentence in third stanza...with "your" kiss is more personable than undying...might i have touched you? then differently is the only word, last sentence...the first two stanzas are incredible..really.8.
Some good lines and well written but too many cliches and overly mawkish. (caressed her cheek, touhed her lips, etc.) Try to express your feelings in a less obvious and/or more interesting way. Shining bright like sapphire stars is both redundant and meaningless. When something is shining, its brightness is assumed by the reader. Describe what is unique or perhaps original about her eyes and do away with overused phrases and imagery. Good luck and as mentioned, you have a nice style of writing.
I was tired when I first read your poem. I just finished reading it again and it definitely held my interest. Sorry for the negative comment. It is well written and obviously a strong statement, one that most of us would not have the balls to write. Peace:)
poetandknowit
replying on On waiting to pick up my daughter on Tuesday by poetandknowit
3 Dec 2002, 2:37 PM
You are right. It is a mere fragment written on the back of a credit card slip in the car. But you are correct and maybe at some point I will be ready to tackle the subject properly. thanks for the comment.
I like this poem very much, but feel the title gives to much away. Call it "Lessons" or "A Tutorial" or just the girl's name would be nice. Leave it a suprise, it's so short, that would give it more punch and bitter-sweetness.
So well crafted
Wonderful stuff (again)
A beautiful touch. I really like it.
Demonstrates a sure touch with language but I am just not sure it has worked as well as your other effort on which I have commented.
Tes, it is funny. But I am not sure about whether it works with the analogy of "Aim for the sky." Something like "Frolic with the beasts" may work better.
Nicholas Monson
on On waiting to pick up my daughter on Tuesday by poetandknowit
3 Dec 2002, 1:43 PM
Come on. You can do better than this. You have got us going and then suddenly it's finished. You express yourself so well and we want more. And in this poem less is definiotely not more..
Great stuff. I really enjoyed it.
Some lovely images and a sure touch
A fine ertoric tribute to some great rumpy pumpy (as we sometimes call it in the UK)
Very funny. A nice (old fashioned meaning) touch. Stylish. Elegant
Deeply evoking. Great.
thank you for your comments. in the line about quietus, my meaning is, before what was between us died, before he withdrew from me. i am not sure how to resolve the problem of who is being addressed; many of the pieces i write are written to him, for him. they are more intimate that way. i make the reader assume the role of voyeur. i hope it works.
Some lovely construction and rhythym.
This poem transmits a powerful sense of heartache. but in one or two places I was thrown. What do you mean by "before the quietus of us"? Also it is not altogether clear whom you are addressing always. In the second verse I thought it was me, the reader, then later it is plain you address your loved one. But I found myself very moved. Well done.