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replying on Returning by INTRANSIT
7 Nov 2002, 8:47 AM
well, this is truer to your vision, intransit, but it's not all one voice yet. email me.
I'll take that as a compliment, z.
beautiful! it's a good thing you're across the pond indeed, christof.
Limericks usually make me laugh.
I did. But I felt very, very guilty afterwards. It has also made me wary of drinking from a glarse. I will be drinking from the toilet bowl with a straw from now on.
The poem gets an 8. Sadly, you get a 0, as I have read a poem bizarrely similar to this before. Sorry, but no points for plagiarism!!!!
I see the rhyme scheme but I think it might be better said without rhyme and show greater feeling said without the constaints. I like the positive last stanza after the angst of the first two.
I wouldn't dare scrutuinize you, Mrs G. That would be most discourteous. You're lucky that you're in America where I can't see you!
Steam is a gas. It behaves like a gas, has the structure of gas and is formed by heating a liquid to its boiling point and breaking the energy barrier thing. Glass is not a liquid. That is a myth.
Your so subtle and as you say, a side-liner, a spectator. The books she's returning as symbols of her new found domesticity, are brilliant. I love all the small details found here. I wonder what would you see, if you could scrutinize me?
you know who you are...
Boy are the girls gonna love this! I see what you mean about compressing lines together. I think I can afford to do that. Oh how I wish I could relate to all that goes on here. I can read though, I suppose that gives me an advantage. Nice work, as usual. I forgot that libraries can be sensual.(Thanks N.J.) Gotta work on my piece about an old building I "loved" when I was younger. Interestins swap of characters here too. I'll round up.
Look at m stuff and you'll see that i always think less is more! That new one I've posted today is the longest I've written in weeks. Anyway, looking at this I don't think it's a question so much of length as of tone. The last stanza seems to me just too hysterical-sounding. Perhaps if you opted for a less exalted diction e.g. 'I do not/don't deserve' not 'I deserve not' it would help. Trust your own ears though, not mine.
I don't deserve her kindness
or her pouring herself into me
but I can never stop her
because it doesn't belong to me.
Just a suggestion. Do with it as you wish.
My old geography teacher was an Oompah Loompah, I swear. He also thought that steam is a gas. Is it? On reflection it may be a form of plasma as it is a liquid acting like a gas. Much like flour is a plasma as it is a solid acting as a liquid and did you know that glass is a liquid?
Ya'll are right; Oranjeboom to that.
Wow, reminds me of an earlier poem no longer with us.
Why?
Oh why?
Must I live this lie?
But I won't die
And go to the sky
And eat this pie
In my tie
Dye-
D Jeans.
Frass means that wonderful fungus, lichen, in German. My band currently covers two Y'bird tunes: Heart full of soul, and Jeff's Boogie.