razorgrin
replying on On a chill morning by razorgrin
16 Oct 2002, 1:25 PM
Half of you want more words, half want less. I know there's no pleasing you people. Tintagiles, i know I didn't mention getting in the car. why should I? Glad some of you are happy, though. Almost makes a really creepy start to my day worthwhile.
Granted, it's a little obscure. I myself like the idea of using inter-human love as a metaphor for religious devotion. The Aztec faith isn't exactly common anymore, so I do understand the fact that it's not that easy to make the connection. As for tabasco, I only responded rudely to a rude and uninformed comment.
You are very sexy.
Excellent, excellent.
'Spoken without thought'? My foot. If it's spoken without thought, then it's not a taunt. It's a spoken thought. Taunts are thought up and used deliberatly. Like what I'm saying now.
This is not bad at all. Just one little thing -- you come out the house, turn around the corner, look at him, drive off -- wait a minute, when did you get into the car?
I'd like to read about 4 more stanzas, rzrgrn. Seems to be the start of a poetic story.
Good title for rubbish. How dare you draw me in and then present this. I am offended. Are you in advertising?
I think the whole thing is good until the line 'I was so selfish ...' The first two verses were't whiney, they were kind of dispassionate reports, in striking and concrete language, of feelings that we've all had. 'I can feel the devil blowing his disease into my ear' and 'I feel so sick, I feel like this bed could be my grave and I could feel comfortable in it' remind me of old blues lyrics, there's the faint sense of self-mockery mixed with the genuine emotion, and I like that. Can the bit about girls being mean and your poor sensitive skin being pierced, and being a prince.
I thought this was going to be good but it fell apart line by line until it pooped out in horrific fashion at the end.
Fat kids get what they deserve. The title is a Bruce Hornsby song not a haiku title.
You could remove like 10 words from this poem and make it better, but ramble on.
I would love to know who gave this a 3 and why. Have you no balls to critique my poem after such a low vote. Please come back and give me your grand insight.
why 162 stanzas?
not that the words are not beautiful, but there is hardly enough here to be cause for an epic length. it seems more well suited to be its own volume than to be presented thus, electronically and straining to the eyes. i must admit that the stanzas being numbered, and the length of it daunts me, especially without a rhythmic meter to pull me through it.
"Murderers still love
In their blunted
Lurching strokes"
my favorite.
try and explain it away.
i'll love a murderer as well as the next man.
Fanfuckintastic. I am clicking print.
This is a great updating, and very funny. Well done.