Re: science by whispern_smoke_wisp	richa 81.178.223.135	13-Apr-05/3:24 AM
The dogs don't love humans can be taken two ways: (i) That dogs are only in it for the reward and any attachment is to the reward and not the person and (ii) That dogs unlike humans have no consciousness and therefore do not 'love' or 'like' or 'be'. There is also the old Bernie Skinner adage that the question is not do animals think but do we. Is what humans call love qualitatively different from simple behaviourism of animals. Anyway whichever view you take, it is important I believe that you make the poem 'slant'.
Re: Potential by Christof	richa 81.178.223.135	13-Apr-05/3:22 AM
It was ace before, this I think is a step backwards. Words like slackened (the drawing of an arrow is not a process of slackening anyway) and loosed are too imprecise.
Re: a comment on science by whispern_smoke_wisp	richa 81.178.223.135	13-Apr-05/3:11 AM
you would shake your head at something you agree to be terrible.
Re: a comment on Middle-Aged White Woman by Dovina	richa 81.178.223.135	13-Apr-05/3:03 AM
Are you suggesting that white people should let themselves be subjugated in the interests of fairness. Frankly I am not really up for that.
Re: a comment on Potential by Christof	Christof 62.121.23.56	13-Apr-05/1:57 AM
I've done some revision - please tell me what you think. Thanks for your feedback, it has been very useful.
Re: Utensils of creation by Damien	James Rykelangeli 169.229.90.109	12-Apr-05/11:36 PM
lacks any clarity. significant grammar errors. as an exercise, next time write a poem with as much linguistic precision as you can manage. also make sure the architecture and the idea of the poem are clearly envisioned in your mind before you write. (it would therefore behoove you to avoid spontaneous composition at this time and until your technique is better developed.) your current style is terribly muddy and makes communication with the reader impossible. only digress from the above method when you are sure your foundation is sound enough to allow for the exploration of your personal style. good luck.
Re: a comment on Middle-Aged White Woman by Dovina	Dovina 12.72.9.68	12-Apr-05/8:54 PM
All things considered, you did not consider all things, especially not the poem, which never said anyone ignored me in his/her poetry. It is not a preposterous suggestion that one side's history of institutionalized oppression can be "balanced out" or "made up for" by black people whupping white ass for a while! It is exactly what happened in this case. Remember I'm describing a case, not a population.
Re: a comment on Middle-Aged White Woman by Dovina	Dovina 12.72.9.68	12-Apr-05/8:48 PM
He ignored me, didn’t hire me, belittle me in his poetry, skiped over me at his open mic reading. It's all sadly there.
Re: Potential by Christof	James Rykelangeli 169.229.90.109	12-Apr-05/4:50 PM
with polishing, it will be superb. some notes: the wordplay with the two drawns works but seems slightly incongruous with the poem's dreamlike tone b/c it's such an overt rhetorical display. also, "pitch", as in to throw, is incongruous with the arrow metaphor. one does not throw arrows.
Re: a comment on trully, madly, deeply by Blindpoetry	Blindpoetry 70.186.160.225	12-Apr-05/12:50 PM
oh fuck. Thanks
Re: Perfect Answer by Alizarin_Crimson	Dovina 12.72.33.54	12-Apr-05/7:43 AM
The last two lines change from contemplative to didactic. That is if you mean "Be cause." If that's what you want to do, and I hope is is not, then transition needed.
Re: Boulder Lake, Somewhere in Wisconsin by jessicazee	Dovina 12.72.33.54	12-Apr-05/7:35 AM
Good, but a problem with tenses - "You said we’d go" in first sentence, then "Drive your red truck" in the second. Then back to "I'd" in the third.
Re: a comment on Potential by Christof	Christof 62.121.23.56	12-Apr-05/7:07 AM
Interesting - I like the tension created by the fact that 'let' could be present or past while 'found' and 'spent' tie it to the past. Do you find that ambivalence a hindrance? Similarly, I like the tension caused by the repetition of 'drawn back', hoping it prolongs the action in the imagination - perhaps this is not the case in practice. Thanks for your comments.
Re: Haunting Dreams by AtomIcPromIse	zodiac 212.118.19.157	12-Apr-05/6:18 AM
In my country, people actually do throw acid at other people's faces. It's just not a very cool image.
Re: Perfect Answer by Alizarin_Crimson	zodiac 212.118.19.157	12-Apr-05/6:10 AM
Were you in a Philosophy class when you heard that? Do you believe "Because" answers the question "Why?"
Re: trully, madly, deeply by Blindpoetry	zodiac 212.118.19.157	12-Apr-05/6:09 AM
You're saved from eternal mocking for this by the fact that you weren't even potty-trained when the song "Truly, Madly, Deeply" was popular.
Re: ugly parade by New Life Drug	zodiac 212.118.19.157	12-Apr-05/6:08 AM
There are probably happy people somewhere. You just don't know where they hang out. They want it that way.
Re: look east when you leave west by Caducus	zodiac 212.118.19.157	12-Apr-05/6:05 AM
There seem to be a lot of dangling, misplaced, or mismodifying participle phrases in this. Some examples: "Feeling atlas blue the Atlantic pulse quickens;" "pulling me in currents I fight it with leaden arms" "Staring at the ocean you loved my soup of bones." I wonder if you realize you're writing about an Atlantic pulse that feels blue, you pulling yourself in currents, and a woman who loves bone soup (but not necessarily the ocean).
Re: Homecoming by Dovina	zodiac 212.118.19.157	12-Apr-05/6:01 AM
The third and last stanzas are well-written. The rest could use some poetry.
Re: Potential by Christof	zodiac 212.118.19.157	12-Apr-05/5:51 AM
Drop one of the "drawn"s from the first two lines. Change "found" to "find", and possibly "spent" to "spent".