Re: fallen angel by josh_5o	binglesbangles 82.68.165.251	8-Apr-05/3:04 PM
i feel touched
Re: Poets are dead! by Prince of Void	Dovina 12.72.9.197	8-Apr-05/2:40 PM
Not to wake you up again, but don't you think this is too dismal. After all, if there's absolutely no good and no life in what we do, then why are you doing it?
Re: Mixtapes (or We Always End Where We Began) by philn	Dovina 12.72.9.197	8-Apr-05/2:33 PM
It's a nice play on cliches. I don't see the mixtape analogy, but I'm not in the music business. It seems cliches are unavoidable - birth, life, death - cliche, cliche.
Re: a comment on Moments (or) Suicide by Dovina	Dovina 12.72.9.197	8-Apr-05/2:26 PM
The last verse is held hostage to a poeticism called "Internal Punctuation." Some poet had convinced me that it’s ok to leave out commas and periods at the ends of lines, and to include them only if they fall within a line. I think the idea might be bunk. The last verse, properly punctuated, is: My life reviewed and judged like this might be considered, in some dark hour, not just bunk, but, as in this ordinary time, for its just worth.
Re: Moments (or) Suicide by Dovina	thepinkbunnyofdoom 4.225.158.173	8-Apr-05/12:21 PM
Last stanza, 2nd to last line, "as" seems like unneeded filler. Same with S2 L1. Last few lines seem a little convoluted. I get your meaning, but... there has got to be a better way of getting your point across.
Re: Forbidden Fruit(2) by thepinkbunnyofdoom	Dovina 205.184.70.141	8-Apr-05/12:18 PM
I get the forbiddenness you want her to see. But it seems that if you want to use that Biblical analogy, it would be better to talk of Eve and a serpent and the enticing fruit on a tree she was told not to touch. And twist that image into the things your are saying.
Re: a comment on Alive by emilyowey	Dovina 205.184.70.141	8-Apr-05/12:12 PM
Nothing is more sure Than a change from nothing Than a new view of an old sight Nothing worth holding More than moments of silence, nothing More than hours no one could plan No sensation Like the feeling of complete And total surprise, like sunshine Out of nowhere No words Like the ones no one expects Nothing more real Than complete surrender
Re: Middle-Aged White Woman by Dovina	thepinkbunnyofdoom 4.225.158.173	8-Apr-05/12:08 PM
I hate the words "My ancestors did it to your ancestors", but thats just because I don't agree with the whole "sins of the father, sins of his children" idea either. Excellent close. <3 Jason
Re: Alive by emilyowey	emilyowey 159.242.147.115	8-Apr-05/12:02 PM
I feel the repetition adds to the continuity and style.
Re: Alive by emilyowey	thepinkbunnyofdoom 4.225.158.173	8-Apr-05/12:01 PM
Try not using the same word twice, much less beginning all of your sentences with "Like, Than, There, Mpre, And, Out", not only does it sound forced, It does nothing for your originality and makes your piece rather bland. <3 Jason
Re: a comment on Front Range Toll Road by sliver	Dovina 12.72.13.182	8-Apr-05/8:00 AM
Better. Still the strong language in "You will not move . . " and in the last line, is off-putting. With those lines it's a war cry, and loses its strong beginning.
Re: look east when you leave west by Caducus	Dovina 12.72.13.182	8-Apr-05/7:55 AM
Something about writing a poem about never writing another poem is very nice. Greek gods, not Gods. Good title.
Re: Hard Rock by Dovina	Caducus 172.213.214.212	8-Apr-05/7:40 AM
lines 4/5 very clever - good poem.
Re: a comment on Moments (or) Suicide by Dovina	Dovina 12.72.13.182	8-Apr-05/7:39 AM
Yeah, for perhaps the first time in my life I agree with you. See the edit.
Re: a comment on Moments (or) Suicide by Dovina	zodiac 212.118.19.170	8-Apr-05/6:00 AM
Then I think the sentence is unnecessarily jumbled to the point of incomprehensibility. It starts off well enough "My life reviewed and judged like this might be considered in some dark hour not just bunk" is fine, and seems to get at the point you want to make, which from what I gather is that people SHOULD do it in suicidal moments, but don't. Even adding "but as in this ordinary time" works - your life might be considered not just bunk but as [it's considered] in this ordinary time [i.e., worthwhile]. But you can't say, for example, "my life might be considered not just bunk for its just evaluation" which is grammatically, semantically, or whateverally equivalent to what you're saying. Do you see what I mean? To parse even further (but keep the grammar) you've got "My life might be considered for its evaluation". There's the problem. You can say "My life might be considered for its just value" or "My way of evaluating my life might be considered a just evaluation", but your life itself isn't being considered for evaluation. At the very least, you'd have to change "for" to "by" - and that's neither poetic nor particularly meaningful. Me, I'd change evaluation to "value", "worth", or "valuation".
Re: a comment on Make Music in Your Heart by Dovina	zodiac 212.118.19.170	8-Apr-05/5:38 AM
I mean, I understand the need to build people up with some nice comment or a bit showing you get how clever they are, and in real life I do. But I don't think poemranker users care very much what anybody says to them one way or the other, so it's not like it matters. And personally, I don't think making music is a very nice metaphor for writing. Sorry.
Re: a comment on Hard Rock by Dovina	zodiac 212.118.19.170	8-Apr-05/5:34 AM
Um. Do you?
Re: a comment on Prayer For The Church by sliver	zodiac 212.118.19.170	8-Apr-05/5:31 AM
I doubt even sliver would suggest that. All things considered, I think he's about two comments away from saying God preknows the number of people who will pray for a certain outcome, which happens to be the exact number he requires to provide that outcome, which happens to be the outcome he wanted anyway. And then we'll all be swimming in it. Consider: Far fewer people prayed for Terri Schiavo to be spared the indignity of lifelong tubing than prayed for her to continue her tubed and vegetable existence, but God went for the detubing anyway.
Re: ceiling by not_a_philosopher	thepinkbunnyofdoom 4.224.24.160	8-Apr-05/3:00 AM
The last two lines, start off okay(timing wise, writing wise they are a horrid trainwreck), but notice. In the other two pairs of lines, (and;in). Filler words, to spread your timing out better.
Re: Hard Rock by Dovina	thepinkbunnyofdoom 4.224.24.160	8-Apr-05/2:51 AM
Good title. Not what I was expecting, but good none the less.