on grampa told us stories by elderking
5 Jul 2005, 8:12 AM
The word "feigning" sets a stage for sattire or belittlement. But I don't think that's what you intend.
on Promise Me by Taco
5 Jul 2005, 8:15 AM
You're right, it's not smart to love in this way. Unless this is poking fun at people who do, and I don't see hints of that, it is shallow.
on The taste of something new. by darby pyn
5 Jul 2005, 8:18 AM
"as transparent as vanity" is a good line because it can mean at least two things. I wish you had gone the other way with it.
on pop by Dental Panic
5 Jul 2005, 8:20 AM
I really don't care what is pop and what is not, but I like the way you've made an issue of it.
on Mother Earth by TLRufener
5 Jul 2005, 8:23 AM
I don't see any point to this beyond a description.
on some deleted poem
5 Jul 2005, 8:25 AM
Too much repetition, not enough said.
on some deleted poem
5 Jul 2005, 8:32 AM
Death always wins, and so may be thought of as joyful in a sadistic way. But to give "it" personality or being seems unrealistic and without impact.
on some deleted poem
5 Jul 2005, 8:35 AM
Beyond the rhymes, I see little here.
on The And women by INTRANSIT
5 Jul 2005, 1:34 PM
I'm not getting what the last 4 lines have to do with it.
We always bless the annuals that send the gardeners transplanting.
We always bless the annuals that send the gardeners transplanting.
on The Bastardization of Hypocrisy by Bluemonkey
5 Jul 2005, 1:36 PM
Wasn't hypocracy always a bastard kind of thing?
on I Need Not be Told by Chelsio
5 Jul 2005, 2:08 PM
Such a common theme in young writers, so common that to do it well in a poem may me impossible. At the least it would take a fresh approach, which this is not.
on Pandemicâs Here Again by Lenore
8 Jul 2005, 10:17 AM
If you refer to the London attacks, there's no need to tell the world; they know. If you mean that the world reacts too slowly, then I say we react fast enough, just with impotence.
on Lover by Dental Panic
8 Jul 2005, 10:26 AM
Why continue in verse 3 with the bus? It seems to cloud a good start. And the break between verses 1 and 2 seems wrong.
on A World At War by Damien
8 Jul 2005, 10:30 AM
Too many words, and not carefully chosen. "safely wallowing in safety" for example.
on Precious Smile by TLRufener
7 Jul 2005, 2:36 PM
Should end with "Lock up everything that is real" A lot of repeated ideas, but the theme is good.
on London Calling by Bluemonkey
7 Jul 2005, 2:40 PM
Good except for "twisted game of evolution."
on Autumn by keatsImnot
7 Jul 2005, 2:42 PM
I'd like to see more than just a description of autumn.
on some deleted poem
8 Jul 2005, 10:37 AM
At least I know that all these recent poems about the London attacks are recent poems. I think it's best to post our most recent stuff, rather than dragging up old poems as some do. It keeps the comments current and alive.
This good up through "courageous fellows." Then "covet thy Moslem" doesn't make much sense, nor does "is this the Kuran?" And the last verse seems like an angry rant without much real content.
This good up through "courageous fellows." Then "covet thy Moslem" doesn't make much sense, nor does "is this the Kuran?" And the last verse seems like an angry rant without much real content.